Alas! Here is my last post, the end of my so-called battle between my confused teenage mind and heart. I was such a whiner. I would love to spoil things with you since my “love” or from my term it was just an “aloof infatuation” for this boy did not push through until the end. Even though he was able to read my “Confessions” about him. It makes him even more confident and full of himself that I will actually let him be my first boyfriend during our prom night. I rejected him that night. But later I apologize since I felt really, really bad.
“When the time comes to say goodbye, it helps if you can do it beautifully and wisely.”
The clock ticks really fast. I didn’t even dare to remember what had happened during those months after September, the last month I wrote about this essay. So many months had passed. So many decisions had made. And unfortunately, this essay won’t end in a happily-ever-after. But, I already made my decision. And it’s not part of my choice, its part of my priorities. Some things are better left unsaid, but we need to tell the truth so that some people won’t get hurt. There are some secrets that are meant to be shared, rather than remain forever hidden. Within every ocean there exists an island where we can discover the meaning of our life. And in my situation, I already found mine. Tomorrow is a mystery. But do we really know a great deal more about the past?
It’s great to know that there are certain people who admire you, whom you dazzle by your smile. But, there are certain rules you also need to know. That some of those people whom you admire will not return the appreciation that you give. Life is not always about giving or taking. It’s more on giving and just don’t expect something in return. When we give love, it doesn’t count the cost. Love isn’t always enough. When our needs are not met, it is perhaps time to move on. In my own experience, I didn’t mind loving ‘some one’, because it is part of our life. But what we don’t expect is to find the “true love” within ‘someone’ else’s heart. And we seek for that. For me, I have never been in love with ‘someone’. It’s just an aloof infatuation. And there’s no special between that. I don’t know if he or that person understands that. It’s a very complicated thing, when you appreciate what he did to you, when you almost return what he gave to you. But, most of the thing you spend together is just a friendship bond. You know, it is difficult to explain it when they don’t want to hear you. Me? I already tried to stop this stupid thing that’s happening. Does love exist as a reflection? Perhaps what we see in love, and derive from love, is the commonality within each of our hearts. But what will happen if ‘some one’ thinks of you more than just friends? And only you can return that love for just friends? You know, it’s really hard to make a decision about this. This thing made me confused. But now, I didn’t feel the pleasure that it made me feel at first. Now, I almost felt nothing. I was numb. And therefore, I am ready to refuse anything, even anyone. It’s not part of my plan before, to write an essay about this. To confess those feelings I feel now. But, I think that life wants me to do some emotional things. He wants me to express my feelings through writing. And it made me feel really better. It’s like something you must be done everyday, to express those feelings through words. Leaving someone is rarely easy. But sometimes it is good. And I think it seems the best way I can do now. Sometimes, priorities in life are more important than anything else. And in my case, those priorities became my “number one”, to follow my dreams.
Managing change in your life is rarely easy. But your life will be defined not just by the change, but also by how you deal with it. Having ‘some one’ is not part of my plan before, as I said. But I think that it’s just a friendship bond between us. I will just call him ‘some one’ because he is the lead of the essay. But what do I feel about him anyway? Honestly, I felt nothing. I was just carried away by those love stories that I read. When love becomes a mistake, where do we place the blame? I will be glad if ‘you’ will blame me in this, because it will make my conscience less guilty. Always, we look everywhere for the special one. But sometimes, we need not look quite so far. This isn’t yet a good time to explain things like this, because I’m not expert. I will just say what I wanted to say about the world of LOVE. Oh. I miss saying that part. All people value appreciation. But we want to be appreciated for who we are, and not just because we look good. I must say, THANK YOU, for those who appreciate me. Poets always seek for new and beautiful ways to say those two special words. Some get downright clever about it. I am glad I made such experience like this. Even if it’s not close to what some people may have experience. But it’s a good thing that we can say something when someone asks us about love. In life, there are many unexpected things which are happening. I already made my conclusion, that I must follow my dreams.
If we will just reminisce those times when I am in a state of confusion, you can say that I must be very lucky that I survive. Life has good and bad but in the end we determine our own course. And I already made my own course. Alone, I am sailing in my own boat. Maybe in my journey in life, I will meet that ‘special some one’ who will be my future. You must not seek love, because love seeks in you. Let’s not be too risky to deal with those certain situations, let’s all be careful in our own decisions. And I must say that for the person who became the lead in my confession, I say sorry for your rejection. What a lovely rhythmic words that I made. This will be the end of my confessions. And maybe, in the meantime, I will continue to write on this. I just hope that those who truly believe in my foolishness will learn some important things about this. For those who believe that this thing does not exist, or daresay, fiction? Well, I already admitted that it was a half-meant. So don’t blame me. Memories, binding us to a past we long to forget, can be difficult to escape. But life is a constant journey, maybe I can heal all the flaws that I made. But it will always leave a scar. And that scar will remain forever.
“It’s easy to regret the things you’ve done. It’s even easier, and all too human, to regret those things left undone.”
There are few ways to learn more about your own inner workings than to define yourself poetically.
We can remain unaware of even the most beautiful setting if that’s not the thing we seek.
PS: For my friends who still teasing me with ‘confessions’ (ugh), just please stop that? It really annoys me.
DATE: January 26, 2009 at 8:45pm.–