His name is painted on my heart.

20 Feb

Memories are the only treasures that I kept in my heart. And when I looked back, I can’t help to shed a tear. It was one of the best moments in my life. It was my foundation, my history…

It was the line I wrote when I was blogging about my childhood memories two years ago. A line, though not quite appealing, held a real huge meaning on my life. After all, memories are the only things I kept in my heart which can never be replaced nor disappear. It’s the collection of little bits of stories and life bytes that took place for the past sixteen years, though I am quite not sure if what I recall was all real and not just part of my imagination. When I read the blog I wrote two years ago, I wonder if that’s how I viewed myself as a kid: street fighter, boyish, and strong.

When I was four, I remember the times when my parents would insist all of us to go to church every Sunday so we can thank God for the grace we received during the prior week and we can ask for more blessings on the subsequent week it follows. We would listen to the stories and preaching of our church pastor, Pastor Sonny. Sometimes, teacher Shirley would gather the kids around my age, including me, outside because most of us don’t pay attention to what Pastor Sonny says. In there, we can have our own little activity – playing games related to the names of the Bible prophets, listening to the Bible stories, drawing pictures related to Jesus, and so on. Afterwards, all of us would go home peacefully and it would happen all over again the following week, like a cycle. It became a ritual for us to go to church every Sunday since it was only the time that all of us were free as a family, and it was the time to actually thank God.

As a kid, I grew up inside the church ministry. I received Him as my Almighty Father and Jesus as my Savior. Our church accepted us and we became members of the congregation. My mum is the first one to be baptized as a born again when she was pregnant with me. She told me that while I was inside her, she would listen to Christian songs and would put the radio on her belly, though I don’t think I recall that. She told me this was when I got my talent in singing; God gave it to me as a gift. After they find out about my talent, since I only sing in the neighborhood and not in our house when I was six, I became part of our music ministry. It happened when I was nine years old. I would sing a few Christian songs during Pray and Worship and sometimes, when it’s anniversary I would sing an intermission number. It’s the talent I share and used only for God and for school activities. I used to join singing contest when I was young, and I became quite known for that niche. I told myself, “When I grow up I wanted to be a singer.” But that didn’t happen…yet.

Remember the lines from Ephesians 6:1-3? It says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” I do not know where it started nor I do have any idea how come I knew this line, but then I grew up reciting these lines in front of everyone. It became my favorite Bible quotation. When people would ask me what my favorite Bible quotation was, I would proudly tell them: “It says on Ephesians 6: 1….” And then I would rant about it, feeling pompous that I knew the line – the line that I’ve been obeying ever since I memorized what it says. But that’s it was all about, I memorized it but not quite understanding what it really says. I’ve done it a few years, probably ever since I was a kid until I turned fifteen, then I just stopped. It happens, right? Suddenly, this line wasn’t so appealing to me anymore. Suddenly, I found myself on the stage of rebellion.

The question that’s been bothering me all along was this: Have I really obeyed my parents? All this years, I thought the answer was “Yes I do.” But when I looked back to what I did the preceding years, I would doubt if that’s the real answer. Until now, I still do. Like every teenage girl in the world, I’ve been experiencing a lot of dramas in my life. I grew up with a few friends in high school, had one suitor in senior year and broke someone’s ego. I met new friends here in college, who’s all real and fun to be with than my previous set of friends, I got along with them well. Had a few suitors, and still rejected all of them since I am not quite ready to enter in a relationship. That’s one of the things my parent told me so, “Never had a boyfriend while you are still studying, understand?” Perhaps that’s the reason why I kept on holding back and not taking the risk. Of course I’ve had a few crushes and one infatuation, but none quite ended up to be considered as a relationship. After all, I had never fallen in love…yet.

At this point of time, I stopped going to church like I used to when I was young. Though I didn’t know what’s stopping me from going to church, I always made a few excuses like: “I am busy”, “I’ve got loads to do”, “and I’m not free, probably next time”. And I wonder what my church mates would think of me right now. Have I really changed? Is this really part of growing up? I can’t say I backslide and turn my back to God…but, I can say I am not much of an active member lately. Sometimes, I blame myself for it or my parents since they stopped on insisting me to go to church. They just let me do what I want. I used to live inside the ministry, but what happened to me?

I realized that, after years of pondering, people come and go. Just like what some of my friends did. Just like what I did, I came and then I go…but there’s still a possibility that I would come back. Of course there is, I just didn’t know when the time is. I will come back and sing again for Him. I will compose Christian songs and I would become an active member again. I know that. I hope to make it happen. I am merely waiting for the right moment to come, for the right time when I am ready again…ready to build again my relationship with God.

I know that after all these years; I haven’t changed what I think of Him. He’s still that Big Man I talked to when no one’s listening to me. That Someone I relied on when I was on my lowest point of my life. He will always be the One I would talk to whenever I feel scared, or before I go to school or before I sleep. He will always be there, by my side, embracing me and filling me with unconditional love I don’t deserve. After all, He changed my life.

Even though people come and go, I know that He will always come and never let go. Not only the memories I kept in my heart would only be there, but also Him…especially Him. He is my foundation, after all.

I wrote this for my home work in Theology, though there is no assurance if I followed the correct instruction since I…didn’t understand my prof.

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Posted by on February 20, 2011 in Confessions


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