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Somersault upon words.

09 Apr

I am aware of the fact that my blogs weren’t always read by many.

If you’re lucky, you’d stumble upon this site and since you’ve read the first few lines, you’d be curious what was this all about?

I asked myself that sometimes, “What were my blogs all about?”

And I came up with something like, “It’s about me…everything, life, people I meet, people who hurt me, secrets and lies…whines, etc.”

But it all goes back to, blog site = me.

Everything about my blog site is about me, of course. That’s obvious, right? But did my love ones knew about this? Did those people who I cared so much read my blogs?

I can answer that. And the answer is…

No.

They don’t.

Well, maybe some of them.

But did that count?

I wonder if when will I stop thinking about nonsense thing, or whine about things. And for once, I asked myself if I have really made this blog site because no one seems to listen to me anymore? Or I have so many issues in life that I can’t put it into actual spoken words which are why I chose to do it in a virtually, typed-written words?

That’s stupid, but then that was the truth.

I always feel like everything I did was not enough. Not enough for my parents. Not enough for my friends. Not even enough for myself.

I wish to be more…better than who I am right now.

I’ve tried singing before, but I lose all my confidence (even though I wanted to get back at singing, it seems like it’s so hard to do that, saying that I’ve gained a lot of confidence now). I’ve lost myself on the road. I know what my dream was…but that seems to be so hard on my part. I needed to start again, and I don’t know when. But I should before it’s too late to get back on the road again.

Which is why I chose another alternative, my intelligence (though I wasn’t really that good, but I’m not stupid…I’m just an average), my ability in academic excellence. Those were my second options. As it turns out, I’m quite good in accounting. I never had a failing grade so far, and I’m almost junior now. Two more years and I’m finished in college! Hope that I’d passed the board exam. I want my parents to be proud of me.

Well I also thought of becoming a writer, one that I learned from my high school friends. See? I never liked the smell of books until I was in senior high school. That’s where I met my friends – Logan, Lau, Ann – I call them, but that wasn’t their real names. During the last few years, I thought about publishing a book and become famous for it like Shakespeare, Nicholas Sparks, JK Rowling, Paulo Coelho, Meg Cabot, etc. Become known as a poet, a writer, an author. However, it turns out I don’t have the raw talent on it. Let’s just say that I’m better at singing rather than making poetic lines and stuffs. And also, I prefer reading stories, not the one who’s writing them. But sometimes I make stories on my head and try to put them on a paper, truth to be told, those stories I’ve written relate on some part of my life. I am too amateur to write a book.

Fourth? Hmmm. Let’s say I’ve thought of being into sports, but I don’t have any talents on sports. I never did. I hate PE. But I love the ecstasy and the freedom it gave me whenever I’m running or playing, it’s just that, I don’t have the ability to play sports. I am too skinny and small to do it. So let’s leave the fourth option.

Well the last option was, to meet a rich man who would sweep me off my feet and give me big houses and many kids! So I can live the rest of my life on bed of roses. But then again, that’s pretty stupid and unlikely to happen.

Guess which one I chose? Of course, the second option. That’s where I’m headed off right now, to become a professional CPA. Though I still dream about being kind of a singer…someday.

All in all, my frustrations in life were written in this blog site. Before, I owned one from my Friendster account since I am not aware that there were other blog sites. I’ve posted blogs about my puppy first crush in college on that site, and my thoughts about it. But guess what? When I think about the guy I liked on the very first day of school, it seems as though it didn’t happen to me. I’ve totally forgotten about the story, and I wished I never wrote those things. But I already did, right? And part of me was thankful for that, since I’ve learned something from it that I won’t learn if I didn’t do it.

You know what the funny part of this all? I yearned for readers on my blog site. Even if there’s nothing ‘exciting’ about this site, and I am too predictable for the exciting part, I’d love to hear a few response from some person who’s reading this.

Maybe some of you haven’t met me. But then, you already know who I am.

Wanna know a secret?

Before I died, I wanted to make something that people will remember me for it. I wanted to put a mark on this world. A mark that would tell I existed and lived here. Though they won’t remember my name, at least they will remember my face and they’d say, “Hey isn’t that the girl who __________­­­­­­­­­­­_______?”

And likewise said, I would want to fill that blank someday before my death.

Then people would read this, isn’t that great?

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Posted by on April 9, 2011 in Gobbledygook

 

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