It’s not about the chances, it’s about the choices that you made.
I don’t know how to feel, or if I still have emotions for that matter. Lately, I’ve been so insensitive and numb. Maybe because I became too tired of over-thinking certain things, or just too tired of caring for someone. I know I shouldn’t be afraid to fall in love, but perhaps the problem wasn’t about being afraid to fall.
I am just afraid that the person who will fall for me will fall for his illusion about me, and not to the ‘real’ me. I am just so scared that people will eventually get tired of me, and perhaps leave me when that time came. Love feels great at the inception, and I suck at making people stay in my life. I am not sure if I have an attitude problem, I think I am kind of nice with people. But sometimes, I found myself so boring that I think people will get bored of me too, since that was how I thought of myself.
Perhaps the problem lies in my insecurity, since I am a perfectionist, I want everything to be perfect – including myself. Although I am far from perfection, I always see physical beauty as a way of judging certain things, even personalities. Perhaps that was the problem, I judge on the outside and I failed to recognize what was on the inside.
I am just afraid of looking like a moron, or making fun of myself. I am just scared that people won’t make any efforts to be with me, they would just assume that I am ‘into’ them. I am so afraid of so many things.
And right now, I am over-thinking it.
I don’t know whom will I trust, or whom will I want to spend the remaining days of my life.
But I know that I am still here, living in this world, missing out on great chances in life.
And it’s my choice.