It’s frustrating to feel so alone despite of all those people around you. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But I couldn’t help it. If you’re alone, there are just a lot of things going on inside your head. Some thoughts could make you feel paranoid about life. And it’s not healthy for the soul.
Yesterday was a blast! I had fun getting my diploma although it’s tiring. The day we’ve all been waiting for is finally over, and we’re all officially not college students anymore. But then these are just a passing moment. Our goal was achieved. Which comes to question, what’s next? I’m always the person who’s pretty hard to be satisfied. I want to be busy than bummed. I feel so useless when I’m bummed. And now I’m officially bummed. I’ve got two months before the review starts and I’ve got no idea how to kill time. I don’t like waiting. I feel like all my knowledge I’ve learned in school for four years will vanish if I won’t keep my mind working. I needed a company. I needed someone to connect myself to, emotionally. Being single for 19 years has it’s drawbacks. I wonder how it took me this time to realize what a I’ve been missing out on life. Yes, I am happy I finally got my diploma. I am happy I didn’t disappoint my parents. I am happy that everyone is happy for me. But then, it’s like I don’t achieve what I want to achieve. I don’t like questioning myself what’s so wrong about me. I don’t like being this so paranoid about the future. I am afraid I might regret the chances I didn’t take and afraid of making bad decisions. But bad decisions makes us stronger, right? I always thought I am strong enough for controlling my feelings when it gets vulnerable. Yet I was wrong. I am the weak one. I am the stupid one for doing so. I didn’t figure things out if it will work first. And now, everybody’s turned their backs on me. Perhaps I missed my chance with a person I really liked before. And I’m having a hard time liking someone now. Although there were few people who blatantly flirts with me, but it’s only temporary. No one has ever stayed for more than a semester. Everybody gets bored in me and left me. Yes, I am whining here. I am being again the drama queen. I hate being the drama queen. I hate ranting. I don’t like it. It feels so selfish. Like I only cared about my feelings. I should care more about those who cares about me, right? LOL who am I kidding?
So, I should probably end this. I missed out the pre-encounter I’d want myself to be in in the first place. I like to go to places. I like to meet new and different people. I just don’t want to be a bystander watching everyone had fun in their lives. I am tired of this. Yes, blame me for being this dramatic. But sometimes, I can’t help it.