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Monthly Archives: April 2013

Give me a reason

I’m not broken…just bent.

And bored as well. 

Reading my post last Friday, I realized I was way too harsh to say “fuck/fucking” a lot of times. I know I should be thankful that even though I was having a very bad morning, still I am able to go out and have fun for 4 days and 3 nights.

What happened in between was very wonderful indeed. I enjoyed every single moment I am with my friends. Although there were awkward moments because I know what most of them were thinking when my guy friend and I watched a movie together, I did not let this thought ruin my mood for the whole trip. It was a blast. It was far by the most amazing summer I had. I got to know these people more, and I realized how great they really are. Our skin may be tanned and we may have sunburns, but it only shows that we had so much fun doing the craziest things in an isolated island. There may be a lot of glitches in our plans, but we did not let it ruin the fun of just enjoying what we have and over looking all the imperfections in our trip.

I won’t enumerate everything because I am not good at writing these things. You know, I only write about myself, and all my selfishness (ehem) but I swear I’ll try to write more about my adventures and write less on my frustrations in life.

So this is my reason. I may be bent, but it can be fixed right?

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Posted by on April 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Waking up at the wrong side of the bed

I was having a fucking great morning. Note the satirical note I have when I say that.

Great, just great. My morning was ruined. I only have a few fucking hours of sleep. Then I was a bit annoyed about what happened this morning. 

I hope this one’s worth the shot though. I hope I’ll enjoy our summer getaway. After all, this is the only getaway that I’m having.

Away from everyone who made my life feel miserable. 

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Why You Can’t Let Go

I can’t let go of the horrors of the past. If only I did let go, perhaps I would not be such a damn scared of taking risks 😦

Thought Catalog

You know what you’re holding onto. I know what I am. And I also know that there are many others that have, are, or will be, holding onto something as well. Sometimes it’s for a minute and sometimes it can last for years. Regardless, it’s debilitating. It’s paralyzing. It keeps you stuck in what could have been.

After we seek all the advice we can, it usually rounds out to the same thing: it’s time to let go and move on. If you’re anything like me, just reading that sentence made your heart sink a little and you’re filling up with resistance, shame and anger. You don’t want to let go. You want to hold on until you’re right. You want to hold on until the situation resolves itself the way you want it to.

Because what’s the alternative? You have to go on without that person or thing that…

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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

You’re contagious

Fuck you. And your own little world.

You’re not my brother. Brothers are supposed to protect their little sisters. You’re the jerkest, meanest, laziest, number one asshole person I’ve ever met in my entire life. It’s because of you, that somehow my views on guys became distorted. It’s because of you, that I don’t trust any guys I’ve known. It’s because of your influence on me when I was still growing up.

Fuck you. Because that’s how your life is.

There is no single time when I remember that you stood up for me, or for us in that matter. There’s no time you ever became that “big brother” every girl would wish for. No, because you have your own issues. And you let your issues eat you alive. You’ve wasted your time, probably your whole life being a pain-in-the-ass. I know you’ve got personal issues. But come on, your self-esteem issues are petty compared to those who would wish they have a life like yours. Be thankful that our parents never get tired of you. And oh please, be ashamed for your behavior. You’ve been like this as far as I could not even remember how you became such one. I grew up believing that you’re just another human being in the house. That I am so not related to you. And that, I am proud to say, you are not really my brother.

Yes not-my-brother. Who are you anyways? I won’t waste my time waiting for you to change because change begins with yourself. It’s your personal choice. And not everyone will understand you for your behavior. It would have been more understandable if you have mental illness. But no, you have psychological disorder. And that sucks, you sucked.

So fuck you again. You need to attend an anger management or self-esteem seminar. You need to fix yourself because time will come when you’ll realize that no one would bother to help you, ’cause you never really help anyone in your entire life.

Aren’t you disgusted about your life?

Hmp. Your resentment towards the world is contagious. This is the reason I am saying all of these things. Your reasons are petty. You are so shallow. And yea, I don’t want to see you, ever again.

So fuck off. Just pretend that you don’t exist in my life and I don’t exist yours. It’s better this way. My life is better without you in the picture.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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That girl on the radio

That guy on the radio. His voice ringing through my ears every time I put the volume up. I’ve seen him countless times on the hallways of our school but I never really got the chance to know him before like I do now. I called once on station 121. He picked up my call and we talked. Since then, he noticed me as well.

That guy on the radio. We keep on talking every night. Our conversation goes about anything under the sun. My body clock has changed because of him. I am not used to sleeping late, but it seems as if late does not apply in here. I am starting to think I sleep early – early in the morning.

That guy on the radio. He calls me different names. I guess that’s just his way of showing affection or I am not so sure. But I like it. I like the way he calls me names. And it made me smile.

That guy on the radio. He basically almost know the story of my life as of this moment. After all, I am the only avid listener of station 121. I am his only fan, or so I would like to think that. I am the only one who’s wide awake at 3 am in the morning, listening to him while he’s doing the same favor to me.

That guy on the radio. I wonder if we meet, would it be awkward? Or would it be comfortable, just like how we talked right now? Our virtual conversation got deeper until I told him almost all of my little secrets. I guess that’s how our relationship works. Or that’s how I work in a relationship. I am so good at being virtual, but once personally expressed, it’s just so damn hard to become faced to faced with a jock. A disc jock. A guy on the radio, if you get what I mean.

That guy on the radio. We decided to meet. To spend some time together. The ordinary girl, which is obviously me, is going to go out with a guy on the radio. How awesome is that?

That guy on the radio. Whoever he is, don’t let himself be flattered about this. After all, what do guys on the radio really know about? They only know how to listen. But they never really know the story behind. They never really know who’s….wait a minute. He is not a guy on the radio. Guys on radios don’t listen. They rant and brag about things. But the listener, is actually the one at the receiving end.

I realized, I am that guy on the radio.

The girl on the radio.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2013 in Scrollpress

 

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Exposed to the world

That awkward moment when someone you personally know found out about your blog site.

This is just so…awkward for me. I am not so sure if he’s going to read this, but if you are doing that right now, I expect you to be true to your promise. Well, I made some posts about you and that’s just going to be a lot more awkward if you’re going to read it. And knowing that you actually discover this site makes me want to hide myself because this is just so personal for me. This is my outlet. My confidante. My best friend. My partner. The other side of me. It’s as if you hopped into my world and live on it. Being exposed like this feels so vulnerable. Like my words would be against me.

I am not so sure if I look like a person who keeps a diary but if that’s the impression I have for other people, then so be it. Read it. Read it and well, you’ll know my thoughts. You’ll know how pathetically do I sound. You may understand some of my point. You may disagree with me on it. But this is my world. My only world where I know my thoughts would be safe and sound. The anonymity I have in here gives me so much freedom. Freedom to say whatever I like to say. Freedom to think without others judging me for it. Freedom to vent out all my frustrations in life. And although there are no real answers here, just knowing that my thoughts and emotions are out, is a great feeling. Being exposed to the world feels so damn good. And I don’t want you stealing that away from me.

But I trust you okay? I trust you won’t read this. And well, thanks for that anyways.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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What To Do With Feelings

I’m embracing it and loving it 🙂

I hate talking about feelings. I really do. At least in person and to people. Talking about feelings – real feelings – just always seems so needy and foolish and stupid. That’s why I write them out. When I write about feelings, I understand them better. I am able to express them more coherently. I often feel the need to be coherent when I communicate because I feel far too easily misunderstood. Maybe we all do.

There is something to be said about feelings though – exposing them in their raw nature and orating them without much concern for whether they will be misconstrued and transformed into something that wasn’t intended. We all feel. As long as you are alive, you feel. Whether you choose to express them in the moment or consider them before you expose yourself, or wear them proudly as a badge of honor or hide them…

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Posted by on April 22, 2013 in Uncategorized