I haven’t let go of that “fear”. The fear of being hurt, rejected, painfully ignored, or being vulnerable. It’s been in my nature, my blood. I never accepted myself, my reality, my soul. There’s always a nagging feeling at the back of my mind, reminding me that, “Hey, it’s not yours. It will never be. You won’t ever get what you really want. Someday, somebody else will take it.” So I listen to this, and took a step backwards. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for whatever I do. When I expect, it always turn out to disappoint me sooner or later. That’s why I do the same for other people. I disappoint them to. I know I am a talkshit. And some of my promises were never kept. I want to change, for the better. I seriously need to go out and explore more. Not stay where I am right now. You know the feeling when all you wanted was to feel appreciated for everything, but then you were entirely ignored? Yea, it sucks. I always have a paranoia that everyone is like that to me. Which is why maybe, I had the tendency to become hostile towards other people. But then, sooner, I’ll warm up to them. And when I realized that my feelings are not being reciprocated, then suddenly I’ll be cold to them again. It’s hard to change, although you know your faults and weaknesses. It’s just so pretty damn hard to go out of that shell. When you build a wall around your heart, there’s a tendency when the wall becomes thick and it’s going to be too tough to break. Then someone, unexpectedly, will come and crumble that wall until it breaks. Until your heart is wide open to the world, exposed and entirely vulnerable.
If only I could be pretty damn confident about myself that I can do this. That I can give my heart out to someone. But my paranoia always gets in my way. I never trust anyone, not even my family, to protect my heart from getting hurt. I never like this way of thinking. I know I am missing out on great chances in life. And I am letting it happen. This is the fear of the unknown. You know you haven’t lived your life until you experiences things that will make or break you.
Pft. What’s happening to me?