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The fear of the unknown

05 Apr

I haven’t let go of that “fear”. The fear of being hurt, rejected, painfully ignored, or being vulnerable. It’s been in my nature, my blood. I never accepted myself, my reality, my soul. There’s always a nagging feeling at the back of my mind, reminding me that, “Hey, it’s not yours. It will never be. You won’t ever get what you really want. Someday, somebody else will take it.” So I listen to this, and took a step backwards. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for whatever I do. When I expect, it always turn out to disappoint me sooner or later. That’s why I do the same for other people. I disappoint them to. I know I am a talkshit. And some of my promises were never kept. I want to change, for the better. I seriously need to go out and explore more. Not stay where I am right now. You know the feeling when all you wanted was to feel appreciated for everything, but then you were entirely ignored? Yea, it sucks. I always have a paranoia that everyone is like that to me. Which is why maybe, I had the tendency to become hostile towards other people. But then, sooner, I’ll warm up to them. And when I realized that my feelings are not being reciprocated, then suddenly I’ll be cold to them again. It’s hard to change, although you know your faults and weaknesses. It’s just so pretty damn hard to go out of that shell. When you build a wall around your heart, there’s a tendency when the wall becomes thick and it’s going to be too tough to break. Then someone, unexpectedly, will come and crumble that wall until it breaks. Until your heart is wide open to the world, exposed and entirely vulnerable.

If only I could be pretty damn confident about myself that I can do this. That I can give my heart out to someone. But my paranoia always gets in my way. I never trust anyone, not even my family, to protect my heart from getting hurt. I never like this way of thinking. I know I am missing out on great chances in life. And I am letting it happen. This is the fear of the unknown. You know you haven’t lived your life until you experiences things that will make or break you.

Pft. What’s happening to me?

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2 Comments

Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “The fear of the unknown

  1. Ophelia's Dreaming

    April 5, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I think this is something that we all experience, this wrestling with ourselves. Love can feel so frightening, because in it we expose ourselves, our hearts and it can break our hearts wide open. I guess the question then becomes is it better to take that risk, making ourselves vulnerable, knowing that, in doing so, we also open ourselves up to something so rich and beautiful … or is it better to remain walled off from others, preventing the light from getting thru?

     
    • Papemeloti

      April 22, 2013 at 1:56 pm

      You are totally right. This is my problem ever since. I am scared to open up and create a deep relationship with others because I’m afraid to get hurt. But as they say, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” So I guess what I should do is to try and open up myself more to someone who will reciprocate those feelings as well. Thank you for your kind comment 🙂

       

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