When you don’t feel at home in your own home.
You can live under the same roof for years, but you can never feel at home because there is no communication. No deep connection with the people you live with. You can spend all your time with your family, but they never know you who really are. They never asked what you want, what’s up in your life, or if you are even happy with what you’re doing. You grew up believing that life is all about education, money, and meeting everybody’s expectations from you. But when you experience things outside your home, when you begin to discover that life is so much more than what they offer to tell, and that you must find your way to your happiness… you began to realize how shallow those people you live with are. This might make me a selfish daughter, but seriously, all my life I am filled with insecurities and doubts. I felt everything I do is not enough. I felt so disappointed, even despite all of my achievements, that I haven’t found what happiness is all about. That every time I tell them a story, they will always compare mine to other people. And I grew up doing the same, comparing myself to what others are capable of. But what I learned from my relations with my friends, with other people beyond my family, is that you should not measure yourself in what others are capable of. You should feel comfortable in your own skin and feel that whatever you do, you must always be proud of yourself, of your achievements. That your abilities do not depend on others, rather it depends on yourself.
Somehow, there’s a small part of me that blames my Dad because I turned out to be afraid to take chances on love. He always remind me not to have a boyfriend while I am still studying, not even saying that I should love people who deserves to be loved and embrace those who want to be a part of my life. Growing up, I’ve always avoided guys because I am scared I might fall for one of them. I am afraid that if I did not listen to my Dad, I might not be able to graduate on time and I can’t sacrifice that. It’s all I ever got. It’s my escape goat of getting what I want in life, of getting away from here.
But I realized soon that my Dad do not trust me. He did not trust me enough to be in a relationship. And it hurts, because I trusted him. Because I live up my expectations to him. Which is why now, I try to disagree with him. Which is why I am the aloof one from the family, because I do not like to trust some of his judgement again. I do not want him controlling my life and telling me what to do. I realized now that I can do whatever I wanted. I can be whoever I want to be. Although most of the time, I feel as if I am not proud of who I am. I feel so inferior. I felt like people out there are cruel to me.
They all are. And it’s so disappointing that you don’t even feel at home in your own home. It’s a place you’re supposed to find peace and happiness. But it’s a place of doubts, insecurities, and disappointments.
I wanted to change it. And like all people say, change begins with yourself. I wonder if I can ever make an impact on them. Or if I’m powerful enough to make a change.
I hope so. I hope we find peace in our home. And I hope, it will happen soon.