Excerpt from today, August 18, 2016:
Honestly, I am not a good writer. When I was a teen, I wished I can write eloquently and articulate. But I guess I found at loss for words whenever I need to pour out my emotions. Writing, for me, has a way of making rainy days into brighter sun rays and it helps me realize what I’ve been missing out on life. Writing makes me idealistic and full of hopes and expectations. When I write, it was as if I am a part of the world I wanted to live in.
Here is something I wanted to share to everyone, what I wrote about six years ago when I was still a teen (14 or 15 years old perhaps) who has an idea about love and who was afraid to take chances, until the end.
A Confession is an essay based on a point of view of a girl who experienced some confused moments, which eventually realizes that in the end, she was wrong about love confessions.
Confused about what Love is.
“Life, we know, is full of choices. And so, too, is Love. Love cannot be easily controlled and, sadly, neither can great distances.”
As we grow older, we have enough experiences about love. We first feel the love from God, love from the family, love from the friends, relatives, classmates, pets, and so and so forth. Love goes really around the world as it attacks the center of our body which gives us life, our heart.As a teen-ager, did you experience how to love and be loved in return? Not only from your family, friends, relatives, classmates, pets, etc, but a love from ‘someone’ whom you loved more than just friends. It is a bit complicated if you feel the presence of falling in love for that ‘someone’ and your very confused if you will deal with it or just throw out. Maybe you’re thinking that I am writing this because I’m in love or what? But unfortunately, not really in love, but I am now in a state of falling in love with my ‘someone’ and in my situation it’s really hard to make choices between this so called “puppy love” or “studies”. As an honor student, I am responsible to maintain my grades because I was influenced to study harder by my co-top ten in our batch and I am committed to my promise that I will be one of the “cream of the crop” this school year. And my parents are also expecting me to be one. Also, as a head of the committee, I have an obligation to do my part well and to serve the school campus. That’s why there is no time for other stuff to enter in my life, but in an incident, ‘someone’ touched my life…
I am not expecting this thing to happen, before it’s a kind of weird thing for me because I have no idea about love. But now, I became more aware of it deeper and deeper. It was not part of my plan before, to fall for someone, to love someone, to enter in a relationship, to have BF, or anything that’s out-of-my-mind but inside-my-heart. Neither heart nor my mind helps me to decide. It was ‘his’ fault because he’s making me so confound, it was him who did all these things that’s happening to me. Pardon him. I did not ask him to like me, and I did not even expect a little. Yeah, I admit that I have a crush on him before, maybe a year ago. But now, I am not sure of my feelings. It was my fault that I change my outlooks, yeah many told me that ‘I’ve changed’ into wonderful lady, but its part of growing up. STILL CONFUSED. WAKE UP! I have no idea if I will answer him my “I do” or I will just ignore him as if nothing happened between us. I am not so excited to enter in a relationship that I know will be the source of a big trouble in my personal life. It’s also my fault to let anyone enter into my emotional life; I am very depressed to answer him. Because I still don’t have the answer. Is it YES or NO? Will I reject him or not? Love is full of confusions; it baffles my mind really hard. I feel like I was a child who needs to choose between a lollipop or a candy, both are very yummy. I want to talk to him, he texted me last night that he wants to talk to me. But I think I refuse because I avoid him when we’re in the school. I think I like him but there’s always rejection in my mind, it’s like a war raging inside of me. Can there ever be a winner? When we love, we risk being hurt. But maybe the worst pain comes from simply being ignored. HUH? Oh I don’t want to be the reason why someone got hurt, I want to be the reason why they are happy, I don’t want to reject anyone and fill my mind with many doubts. I need to have my final decision, now, because if I still think of it for a long time, my mind will be filled with confusions and I can’t focus on my study well. Can someone help me? YOU! You know who you are, what answer would you like me to say? My heart beats faster as my mind refuses. =(
“One of the most difficult aspects of young love is wondering how your feelings for each other will be accepted by our peers. Friendship and Love are two powerful emotions. “
Love is often just another word for confusion.
PS: I can’t imagine I can write a long essay like this. Am I inspired or what? I told you this was only FICTION.
DATE: September 4, 2008 at 10:00pm