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Category Archives: Confessions

Quotes, citations, etc. Confessions about yourself, about life, friends, love..and so on.

Confessions III

Alas! Here is my last post, the end of my so-called battle between my confused teenage mind and heart. I was such a whiner. I would love to spoil things with you since my “love” or from my term it was just an “aloof infatuation” for this boy did not push through until the end. Even though he was able to read my “Confessions” about him. It makes him even more confident and full of himself that I will actually let him be my first boyfriend during our prom night. I rejected him that night. But later I apologize since I felt really, really bad.

CONFESSIONS III

(FRIENDSHIP BOND)

Hundred-percent sure.

“When the time comes to say goodbye, it helps if you can do it beautifully and wisely.”

The clock ticks really fast. I didn’t even dare to remember what had happened during those months after September, the last month I wrote about this essay. So many months had passed. So many decisions had made. And unfortunately, this essay won’t end in a happily-ever-after. But, I already made my decision. And it’s not part of my choice, its part of my priorities. Some things are better left unsaid, but we need to tell the truth so that some people won’t get hurt. There are some secrets that are meant to be shared, rather than remain forever hidden. Within every ocean there exists an island where we can discover the meaning of our life. And in my situation, I already found mine. Tomorrow is a mystery. But do we really know a great deal more about the past?

It’s great to know that there are certain people who admire you, whom you dazzle by your smile. But, there are certain rules you also need to know. That some of those people whom you admire will not return the appreciation that you give. Life is not always about giving or taking. It’s more on giving and just don’t expect something in return. When we give love, it doesn’t count the cost. Love isn’t always enough. When our needs are not met, it is perhaps time to move on. In my own experience, I didn’t mind loving ‘some one’, because it is part of our life. But what we don’t expect is to find the “true love” within ‘someone’ else’s heart. And we seek for that. For me, I have never been in love with ‘someone’. It’s just an aloof infatuation. And there’s no special between that. I don’t know if he or that person understands that. It’s a very complicated thing, when you appreciate what he did to you, when you almost return what he gave to you. But, most of the thing you spend together is just a friendship bond. You know, it is difficult to explain it when they don’t want to hear you. Me? I already tried to stop this stupid thing that’s happening. Does love exist as a reflection? Perhaps what we see in love, and derive from love, is the commonality within each of our hearts. But what will happen if ‘some one’ thinks of you more than just friends? And only you can return that love for just friends? You know, it’s really hard to make a decision about this. This thing made me confused. But now, I didn’t feel the pleasure that it made me feel at first. Now, I almost felt nothing. I was numb. And therefore, I am ready to refuse anything, even anyone. It’s not part of my plan before, to write an essay about this. To confess those feelings I feel now. But, I think that life wants me to do some emotional things. He wants me to express my feelings through writing. And it made me feel really better. It’s like something you must be done everyday, to express those feelings through words. Leaving someone is rarely easy. But sometimes it is good. And I think it seems the best way I can do now. Sometimes, priorities in life are more important than anything else. And in my case, those priorities became my “number one”, to follow my dreams.

Managing change in your life is rarely easy. But your life will be defined not just by the change, but also by how you deal with it. Having ‘some one’ is not part of my plan before, as I said. But I think that it’s just a friendship bond between us. I will just call him ‘some one’ because he is the lead of the essay. But what do I feel about him anyway? Honestly, I felt nothing. I was just carried away by those love stories that I read. When love becomes a mistake, where do we place the blame? I will be glad if ‘you’ will blame me in this, because it will make my conscience less guilty. Always, we look everywhere for the special one. But sometimes, we need not look quite so far. This isn’t yet a good time to explain things like this, because I’m not expert. I will just say what I wanted to say about the world of LOVE. Oh. I miss saying that part. All people value appreciation. But we want to be appreciated for who we are, and not just because we look good. I must say, THANK YOU, for those who appreciate me. Poets always seek for new and beautiful ways to say those two special words. Some get downright clever about it. I am glad I made such experience like this. Even if it’s not close to what some people may have experience. But it’s a good thing that we can say something when someone asks us about love. In life, there are many unexpected things which are happening. I already made my conclusion, that I must follow my dreams.

If we will just reminisce those times when I am in a state of confusion, you can say that I must be very lucky that I survive. Life has good and bad but in the end we determine our own course. And I already made my own course. Alone, I am sailing in my own boat. Maybe in my journey in life, I will meet that ‘special some one’ who will be my future. You must not seek love, because love seeks in you. Let’s not be too risky to deal with those certain situations, let’s all be careful in our own decisions. And I must say that for the person who became the lead in my confession, I say sorry for your rejection. What a lovely rhythmic words that I made. This will be the end of my confessions. And maybe, in the meantime, I will continue to write on this. I just hope that those who truly believe in my foolishness will learn some important things about this. For those who believe that this thing does not exist, or daresay, fiction? Well, I already admitted that it was a half-meant. So don’t blame me. Memories, binding us to a past we long to forget, can be difficult to escape. But life is a constant journey, maybe I can heal all the flaws that I made. But it will always leave a scar. And that scar will remain forever.

“It’s easy to regret the things you’ve done. It’s even easier, and all too human, to regret those things left undone.”

There are few ways to learn more about your own inner workings than to define yourself poetically.

We can remain unaware of even the most beautiful setting if that’s not the thing we seek.

PS: For my friends who still teasing me with ‘confessions’ (ugh), just please stop that? It really annoys me.

DATE: January 26, 2009 at 8:45pm.

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2016 in Confessions, Uncategorized

 

Confessions II

Here is the second part of my “Confessions”, I was laughing because I used jargon words through ‘synonyms’ from MS Word. I can still remember the night when I wrote this. Words such as “laborious” , “rapturous”, “rebuff”, “jovial” and so on makes me cringe. I never thought I was a copy cat. Hahaha! 🙂

CONFESSIONS II

(FRIENDSHIP BONDS)

Half-decision made.

“A teeter-totter works only when the weight is evenly distributed. It’s a bit like love in that way.”

Some of us do not have the ability to display emotions as easily as others. But does that make the feelings any less real? The world still didn’t stop on mystifying me about what answer I will respond to him. It was a kind of a bit rapturous feeling but there are always qualms that rebuff on my emotions. It was a laborious situation that even Einstein can’t release on its powerful enchantment. It was more than the computations in Physics and more complicated than the problems in Mathematics. That’s the intense emotion that I am possibly felt right now, I still don’t know whether it’s this so called “puppy love” or “studies”. Let’s us review first what happened to me this day, wow I can’t imagine that I am writing an essay with a diary combined on it…

It was a beautiful Monday for me when I am in school, awarding for the outstanding officers happened during flag ceremony, a big crap of jovial fun occurred in recess and lunch break, my “best friend” and I almost roam the school because we’re looking for some administrator staffs to fill up my application form in DLSU, but unfortunately I didn’t even accomplished even one of the recommendation form that must be fill up. My “best friend” knew the thing about my first made essay because I told her so, so she asked me to lend it to her and have a read. I give it to her wholeheartedly without any hesitation because I was confident that she wouldn’t let any one to read it and will keep it as a secret. But in a fateful situation, it happened that she let someone to get it from her, and unluckily, that ‘someone’ is him. I just realize it when he go in front of our classroom and direct it towards in my direction; I just noticed that it was my work “Confessions” because I recognize the fonts and the style of printing. I was stunned when it happened and changed my direction towards my classmate and chat with them, pretending that nothing really happened. During the subject after break, I was still thinking about it and about the one I trust to handle-it-w/-care, I feel very infuriated to her because of what she did. I don’t know if I forgive and forget about what happened. Pity on her! It became a dreadful afternoon after the dismissal. A feel of a bit embarrassment was lately realized and I was very ashamed to look and talk to him. It feels like the world betrayed me…

Love comes in so many different levels, that it doesn’t appear to be the same emotion at all, but it is. There is so much to love, that it will be hard to put into this simple essay. It can tear people apart and make us do irrational things to bringing together entire nations. What can this emotion not do? It’s hard to tell, but there is a lot it can. There are many things that cease to have meaning when Love enters the door. Time may well be one of them. Just like in putting the situation on me, you will really take time to think of the answer. But, I have an idea of what probable answer I can respond. I used my mind more than what I feel on this response. It’s a 75% of rejection and 25% of sanction. This answer is not yet visualized well and not yet the conclusion. Now I know that I must use my mind in every decision I will make, because my mind weighs more than my heart. There’s no word of confusion now, it will only devastate my time in studying. I need to focus now on my study, I need to proved that I can be the greatest. I failed once and I will never ever fail again. Even in smitten situations that will came into my life; I need to prioritize first my study. Love is often buffeted about by the winds of life. But finding our true course is simply a matter of changing direction. I am too young to be committed in the world of LOVE. Sometimes, confusion attacks our mind but we need to tussle on it. Thinking that love from ‘someone’ does not exist, either way I can’t help it. =)

Maturity isn’t always measured by age. And sometimes, two people of the same age may feel very different things.

“There are instances in life when Love is circumscribed within the boundaries of a single moment – any yet, lives forever.”

PS: Anything above is only FICTION, but it can possibly happen in reality.

DATE: September 8, 2008 at 6:45pm

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2016 in Confessions, Uncategorized

 

Confessions I

Excerpt from today, August 18, 2016:

Honestly, I am not a good writer. When I was a teen, I wished I can write eloquently and articulate. But I guess I found at loss for words whenever I need to pour out my emotions. Writing, for me, has a way of making rainy days into brighter sun rays and it helps me realize what I’ve been missing out on life. Writing makes me idealistic and full of hopes and expectations. When I write, it was as if I am a part of the world I wanted to live in.

Here is something I wanted to share to everyone, what I wrote about six years ago when I was still a teen (14 or 15 years old perhaps) who has an idea about love and who was afraid to take chances, until the end.  

A Confession is an essay based on a point of view of a girl who experienced some confused moments, which eventually realizes that in the end, she was wrong about love confessions.

 CONFESSIONS I

(FRIENDSHIP BOND)

Confused about what Love is.

Life, we know, is full of choices. And so, too, is Love. Love cannot be easily controlled and, sadly, neither can great distances.”

As we grow older, we have enough experiences about love. We first feel the love from God, love from the family, love from the friends, relatives, classmates, pets, and so and so forth. Love goes really around the world as it attacks the center of our body which gives us life, our heart.As a teen-ager, did you experience how to love and be loved in return? Not only from your family, friends, relatives, classmates, pets, etc, but a love from ‘someone’ whom you loved more than just friends. It is a bit complicated if you feel the presence of falling in love for that ‘someone’ and your very confused if you will deal with it or just throw out. Maybe you’re thinking that I am writing this because I’m in love or what? But unfortunately, not really in love, but I am now in a state of falling in love with my ‘someone’ and in my situation it’s really hard to make choices between this so called “puppy love” or “studies”. As an honor student, I am responsible to maintain my grades because I was influenced to study harder by my co-top ten in our batch and I am committed to my promise that I will be one of the “cream of the crop” this school year. And my parents are also expecting me to be one. Also, as a head of the committee, I have an obligation to do my part well and to serve the school campus. That’s why there is no time for other stuff to enter in my life, but in an incident, ‘someone’ touched my life…

I am not expecting this thing to happen, before it’s a kind of weird thing for me because I have no idea about love. But now, I became more aware of it deeper and deeper. It was not part of my plan before, to fall for someone, to love someone, to enter in a relationship, to have BF, or anything that’s out-of-my-mind but inside-my-heart. Neither heart nor my mind helps me to decide. It was ‘his’ fault because he’s making me so confound, it was him who did all these things that’s happening to me. Pardon him. I did not ask him to like me, and I did not even expect a little. Yeah, I admit that I have a crush on him before, maybe a year ago. But now, I am not sure of my feelings. It was my fault that I change my outlooks, yeah many told me that ‘I’ve changed’ into wonderful lady, but its part of growing up. STILL CONFUSED. WAKE UP! I have no idea if I will answer him my “I do” or I will just ignore him as if nothing happened between us. I am not so excited to enter in a relationship that I know will be the source of a big trouble in my personal life. It’s also my fault to let anyone enter into my emotional life; I am very depressed to answer him. Because I still don’t have the answer. Is it YES or NO? Will I reject him or not? Love is full of confusions; it baffles my mind really hard. I feel like I was a child who needs to choose between a lollipop or a candy, both are very yummy. I want to talk to him, he texted me last night that he wants to talk to me. But I think I refuse because I avoid him when we’re in the school. I think I like him but there’s always rejection in my mind, it’s like a war raging inside of me. Can there ever be a winner? When we love, we risk being hurt. But maybe the worst pain comes from simply being ignored. HUH? Oh I don’t want to be the reason why someone got hurt, I want to be the reason why they are happy, I don’t want to reject anyone and fill my mind with many doubts. I need to have my final decision, now, because if I still think of it for a long time, my mind will be filled with confusions and I can’t focus on my study well. Can someone help me? YOU! You know who you are, what answer would you like me to say? My heart beats faster as my mind refuses. =(

“One of the most difficult aspects of young love is wondering how your feelings for each other will be accepted by our peers. Friendship and Love are two powerful emotions. “

Love is often just another word for confusion.

PS: I can’t imagine I can write a long essay like this. Am I inspired or what? I told you this was only FICTION.

DATE: September 4, 2008 at 10:00pm

 

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2016 in Confessions, Uncategorized

 

100 mostly useless questions

So I was bored and came up with an idea of answering a few questions about myself. What’s more fun than to answer the 100 mostly useless questions? Well, here it is…

1. Are you an innie or an outie?

– An innie I think. I spend most of my time inside my room that sometimes it’s so depressing. Haha

2. Have you ever written a song?

– Yeah I think I did.

3. Can you make change for a dollar right now?

– No…?

4. Have you ever been in the opposite sex’s public toilet?

– Yes I think. Men’s toilet are kind of gross 🙂

5. Have you ever written a poem?

– Of course. Mostly about teenage angst and puppy love.

6. Do you like catsup on or beside your fries?

– Beside I think.

7. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout?

– No 😦 But I wish I had.

8. Have you ever written a book?

– Ha. I wish! I couldn’t even finish my stories.

9. Have you ever broken a mirror?

– I lost count 🙂

10. Are you superstitious?

– Sometimes. Haha

11. What is your biggest pet peeve?

– I am not sure if it’s the biggest though. But, professors who are so demanding. 😡

12. Do you slurp your drink after it’s gone?

– Yessss.

13. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk?

– Yesss. It’s fun!

14. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper?

– Whooper? Haha

15. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?

– I wish 🙂

16. Would you ever parachute out of a plane?

– Yeah! It sounds fun.

17. What’s the most daring thing you’ve done?

– Nah. I am too conservative to do daring things. Haha!

18. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic?

– Usually plastic 🙂

19. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza.

– Right now yes! I am tired of eating pizza. Haha

20.Did you have a baby blanket?

– Noooo.

21. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair?

– A lot of times. I am very frustrated with my hair.

22. How did that turn out?

– Well, it never turns out to be good. I had to bun my hair before going to the salon for hair rebonding.

23. Have you ever sleepwalked?

– I think I might have. 

24; Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds?

– No. I wouldn’t wish it though.

25. Can you flip your eye-lids up?

– I think yes but that’s disgusting.

26. Are you double jointed?

– No…

27. If you could be any age, what age would you be?

– I want to be a forever teenager 🙂

28. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair?

– Yes.

29. Do you ride roller coasters?

– I’m loving it 🙂

30. What’s your favorite carnival ride?

– Uh, roller coaster? 🙂

31. What is your dream car?

– Lexus or Porsche 🙂

32. What is your favorite cartoon of all time?

– Tom & Jerry never gets old.

33.Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit?

– Why would I? Haha

34. If so, would you eat another one?

– I never tried.

35. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first?

– Panic! I can’t swim! Haha

36. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?

– I don’t remember…so no.

37. Can you pick something up with your toes?

– Yes, small things like ballpen? 🙂

38. How many remote controls do you have in your house?

– Probably two…or one. Not sure!

39. Have you ever fallen asleep in school?

– I think I might.

40. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year?

– I never 😦

41. How many foreign countries have you visited?

– None 😦 But I plan to.

42. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal?

– For experience, I might do that.

43. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy?

– Poor and happy? But wait, how can you be rich and unhappy? Haha

44. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float?

– Is it possible to float in a quicksand? Haha

45. Do you ask for directions when you are lost?

 I think that’s one of the options to do.

46. Have you ever held a Mexican jumping bean?

–  I don’t even know what that is 🙂

47. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland?

–  Cinderella. I’m more on this kind of fairy-tales make-believe.

48. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points?

– Box of crayons with broken points? What’s the point of having an ant farm with no ants? Tsss 🙂

49. Do you prefer light or dark bread?

– It depends on the flavor.

50. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs?

– Scrambled eggs 🙂

51. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas?

– Is public transportation applicable in here?

52. Do you talk in your sleep?

– I am not sure though. But I think I don’t.

53. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn?

– Shovel snow! I haven’t experience that!

54. Have you ever played in the rain?

– I love playing under the pouring rain.

55. Did you make mud pies?

– I haven’t 😦

56. Have you ever broken a bone?

–  No.

57. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten?

– I think I would ask for help if it’s very high. And how did the kitten ever got there?

58. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

– No but I think both are dangerous.

59. Do you drink pepsi or coke?

– Both.

60. What’s your favorite number?

– 21.

61. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car?

– Sports car. For a change.

62. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel?

– Do paper towels count?

63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub?

–  Yes and it was painful.

64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap?

– Regular? I didn’t know there’s a deodorant soap.

65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house?

– Yes 😦 I was stupid to forget my keys inside.

66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpsons voices?

– Singing cowboy will do 🙂

67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be?

– Emma Watson! 🙂

68. Do you need corrective lenses?

I think I might need a contact lenses now 😦

69. Would you hang out with / date someone your best friend didn’t like?

– Yea sure. So I can see whether he/she is likable or not.

70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn’t like?

– It depends haha!

71. Have you ever returned a gift?

– Umm… no?

72. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you?

– No!

73. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be?

– Football game? Haha

74. If you could participate in an Olympic Event, what would it be?

– Naaa. I’m not sporty.

75. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

–  I don’t count.

76. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her?

–  Of course not.

77. Do you sing in the car?

– Who doesn’t??? 🙂

78. What is your favorite breed of dog?

Pomeranian 🙂

79. Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter?

– If I have money why not? 😀

80. What is your favorite fruit?

– Siniguelas 🙂

81. What is your least favorite fruit?

– I don’t know…

82. What kind of fruit have you never had?

– I am not sure. Haha

83. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick?

Bazaars will do 🙂

84. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most?

– I am not brand conscious. So anything good and comfortable will do.

85. Are/were you a good student?

I think I was 🙂

86. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat?

I think I’m the weakest of them all.

87. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in?

– Air force 🙂

88. What do you think is your best feature?

– I am not sure if it’s my smile or my eyes.

89. If you were to win a Grammy, what kind of music would it be for?

 Pop! 🙂

90. If you were to win an Osacr, what kind of movie would it be for?

–  Sci fi 🙂

91. What is your favorite season?

– Autumn 🙂

92. How many members do you have in your immediate family?

– Not sure -_-

93. Which of the five senses is most important to you?

–  Sense of taste 🙂

94. Would you be a more successful painter or singer?

A singer!

95. How many years will/did you end up going to college?

–  I ended up taking college for four years. Thank God 🙂

96. Have you ever had surgery?

– Nah. But I had a few stitches.

97. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player?

Professional figure skater 🙂

98. What do you like to collect?

Any memorabilias.

99. How many collectibles do you have?

None haha!

100. What one question would you add to this survey?

 Do you love yourself?

 

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2013 in Confessions

 

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I am 19 now, so what?

What’s the difference of being 19 from being 16 years old? A few years? A few moments? Or a whole new self?

It’s been almost a year since I post something in here. Visiting this blog site was not my intention, it was an accident. I suddenly thought of looking back through my old posts and see what happened way back years ago.

I could say I grew up.

From what actually? From being an avid blogger, from being too insensitive, too narrow-minded and shallow. I could say I will like the new “me” now and it was worth having all those experiences that I had before.

I try to appreciate the smallest things that I failed to notice before. I try to think positively and see things in a new perspective. I try to accept people as they are and be nice to most of them. I try to stay humble and keep my guard up when I sense a trouble coming. I try to be way more patient to find the right guy for me and not regret it.

When I say “try”, it means I am doing it but not perfectly. I try to be the better version of myself. A version I would love. A person I would want to meet and spend some of my time.

I realize that we only have a few years to live and I should live my life on my own terms. I should try to make every day a happy memory so when I look back, I would smile from my own silly stories. And I am doing it now.

Tonight is one of those comfortable nights wherein I see the world on a brighter side. I am just so lucky to be living in a life free of any problems. So tonight, I am just happy. And next week will become a tougher week for me. It’s midterms already!

On a brighter note, 3 more months and I’m off to go! I’ll be graduating this March 23, 2013. See? It’s like four years of my life in college has been blissful. I am excited but kind of afraid to be out on the real world. I still want to enjoy my life as a student 😦 But I should focus my time on studying because that is what I must do. Can you believe it? I actually survive accounting for almost four years!

I should do better na. And I should end this. Byers!

PS: My eyes are a bit blurred. I might need a real glasses now. Hmp! I will lessen using this netbook 🙂

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2013 in Confessions

 

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The Lost Mailbox

February 17, 2012

Dear “a-guy-in-a-black-shirt”,       

It’s funny how things have changed so drastically for the past three years. I can still vividly remember what happened on the first day of school, the day when I saw you sitting on the corner wearing that black shirt. It’s a cliché for me to name you after “a-guy-in-a-black-shirt”, obviously I was naïve at that time. Looking back, there were days when you constantly filled my mind or days when all I do was to stare at you. I have imagined every possible ways on how should I approach you, or just have a small talk with you, but that never happens. However, you were the one who approached me first in a virtual way. It happened a day after a party we both attended. I do not know what made you interested with me, but I took that chance as a way to start talking with you. There were endless nights when we would send text messages with each other, and nights wherein I would sleep with a smile on my face.

Recalling everything was like looking at the old photographs; some are a bit old and smudged, some are full of faces with wide smiles, and others held deep scars in the heart. But all were bits and pieces of a memory. Yes, you are a memory. A memory I had long forgotten, and lost. I do not know how it all ended, nor if it even started at all. But right now, it’s like your memory has been slowly fading. What made me remember you was when I read the letter I wrote about you two years ago, or when I saw all the ‘lost letters’ or stories I dedicated for you. These pieces of stories I wrote for you reflected the ‘old’ me when I was still so entranced in you. And reading them right now brought me wonders tonight, whether if it’s really me who wrote all of it. You see, you did nothing wrong. Maybe that was the problem in the first place. You did “nothing” to make it work.

Yes, we talked. Yes, we do share some secrets. And yes, we do talk about her, the one whom you were so infatuated at that time. But I guess you got tired of waiting for her, and then there was me, so you somehow managed to open your eyes and saw me. But that happens for a little while. We stopped talking. You got a new girl. And I didn’t mind because I know deep down that your relationship with her won’t last long. And I was right. Still, we never talk. I never had the chance to tell you how I feel because I was scared, or maybe that wasn’t the right time. Or you weren’t the right person to tell. I do not know. All I know was that, I tried to ignore you even after last summer when we had our ‘first date’ as what you put it to. When I remember that, I couldn’t help but grimace. Even before that, when you surprisingly invited me on your birthday and sang a song for me. I feel shocked to the point that I try to ignore you afterwards when we saw each other at school. I wasn’t prepared for you acting like that to me. And our common friend likes me too, so that made things a lot complicated.

So I resorted to the easiest way: Ignore you. Yes, I admit that I do ignore you. I ignore you to the extent that I was acting so rude, and that wasn’t right. But I feel it’s the best thing to do, and it was effective. Again, we drifted apart. You see, we weren’t fit to be together because later on I realized I really don’t like you that much. The sparks I felt when I first saw you wasn’t there anymore. And I’ve changed. I have learned a few things from my friends, and I have learned to realize that at some point in our lives, we meet people who would make us feel better or worse. Somehow, you managed to mix up both.

I am not writing this to you because I want you to know that you lost your chance when I was so openly waiting for you. I am not writing this to you because I suddenly miss you, or suddenly want you back. I was merely writing this because at last, I have realized that there were times wherein we would meet certain people who would ignite the fire inside us. Just when I thought you would be the first person I would want to be my boyfriend, I realized it was a false idea. Truthfully, I would want to apologize to you for being rude and for ignoring you. But apologizing right now would create questions and would raise another false idea. And I do not want to explain everything that happened since the beginning. I would probably put this letter on one of my ‘lost letters’ for you. I promise that this would be the last letter, and that I was only inspired to write one because I want to make sure if I am still able to write such thing. But some of the words I put in here sound a little fake to my ears.

Right now, I feel so empty in a good way. Like I was inside a white room with no walls, no ends, and no corners; just plain white room, or if it’s even a room, that extends up to perpetuity. This emptiness is not combined with bitterness or regret. It is something that correlates with freedom. Somehow, I felt free from the grasp of someone who barely noticed me. I am free of being under the spell of love, or infatuation. I believe that right now, I am still finding myself because that is what I needed most. When we first met, I thought I had found the right ‘me’. But then, I always felt so insecure and so uncomfortable having you around me instead of having an uplifted spirit; though I do not take that against you because it wasn’t really your fault.

I want to end this letter because my writing is kind of getting messy and I have school tomorrow. I would probably saw you in the hallways, or not, since I barely saw you anymore. Anyway, since you won’t be able to read this directly, I thought of an idea. Perhaps I would send this letter to a postbox with an anonymous recipient, just like what Charlie did on his letters. Or perhaps, this would go into waste bin and someone will be able to notice a crumpled paper and spare some of his or her time to read this. Who knows? All I know is that, this letter would remain a secret. Unless you know who you are that I was talking about; or a person who was called “a-guy-in-a-black-shirt”.

Somehow, I doubt that.

Without wax,

Literati Papier

 

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2012 in Confessions

 

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Posted by on September 3, 2011 in Confessions