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Category Archives: Doomsday

Bad day. Negative thoughts. Teenage drama queen. Every word contains of bitter notions about what’s happening on this effing day. I am so screwed up.

Srsly, how insensitive could I be?

Is it really necessary to have a date on Valentine’s Day?

Some random guy asked me out on a date today, well he’s not so random, but he’s the guy whom I talked to yesterday because I asked him about his experiences on his internship. He’s very nice, and he’s intelligent. But the thing is, he’s like 26 years old and I’m 18. Well, I have no problems with age gap. However, the only thing that bothers me is that I don’t really feel comfortable going out with someone on a date. Especially with a guy whom I hadn’t talked before until yesterday. He’s just this guy whom I shared smiles when we both walked on the same corridor.

I had my first date before, and it turns out to be uncomfortable for me. And I guess I bore that person. You see, I am really not much of a talker, well except when I’m around with my friends but that’s a different story. Besides, I know this guy doesn’t like me too much, and I don’t want my friends to know that we went out because that would create an issue for me since I am not that kind of girl who randomly say yes to any guy who asked me out. The thing is, its kind of rude to ignore that guy because I saw him near our classroom and I didn’t tell him about my decision that I am not free tonight, that I have something to do and that I don’t go on dates. Although maybe I could tell him that tomorrow, or the next day when I see him at school. But still, what I did was rude and I haven’t told anyone about it because I don’t want to make it as a big deal. Besides, like I said before that I don’t feel comfortable talking about these things because I don’t want to sound so insensitive, although what I did was very insensitive.

*Sigh*

I really don’t feel so lonely this valentine’s day, because what’s so new about it? And what makes me think again is that, why would that guy asked me out on a valentine’s day? It’s so cliched that I’ve seen so many roses or cakes or balloons inside our school and I don’t really want to go on a cliched day to spend some time with him. If he’s really interested with me, well he should have asked me out on a date when it’s not valentine’s day. Besides, I really don’t need a date today. Who cares anyway?

I remember last year’s post valentine’s day, when a friend of mine brought me a bouquet of flowers and I didn’t sound too much excited about it, or too thankful for that matter. I am always rude when it came to guys liking me and I couldn’t help it, maybe I grew up to be like that. It always looks like I never appreciate anything, but honestly, I do appreciate things. I just don’t want to show it to people because I am scared that I would expect too much and that later on, my expectations would turn out to disappointment. I really don’t need that right now.

*Sigh* again. Maybe next year, I would have a date… with someone I would feel comfortable with.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Doomsday

 

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Where am I again?

It was dark and I was lost, searching and running through the tunnel. There, I saw some light…But ooops, something blocked my way. Dark began to eat the remaining flicker of light. I cannot see.

Where was I again? I did notice the fact that a friend of mine likes me. I was not that blind, it’s just that…I was unsure of what to feel. Would you take a risk if you’re unsure of your feelings?

Would you let the friendship gone into the next level?

Of course not, right?

Although some people say the best relationship came from friendship. I didn’t know these some people. And, I wasn’t really sure. As in, how many times should I tell you this?

If this thing really bothered me, maybe it’s a big deal, or not, or whatever, or WTF was wrong with me?

Okay so stop. Chill.

School starts tomorrow and I must pack my things and well, see if something happened. I hadn’t seen a lot of effort so maybe, it wasn’t as serious as they said it.

School Year 2011-2012, please be kind and fun.

Btw, I suck at writing. Haha!

 
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Posted by on June 11, 2011 in Doomsday

 

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What pisses me off?

EVERYTHING.

YOU.

MYSELF.

Frustrations in life.

It’s SOOOO shdhkjshdjkhfjds.

Someday, I’m gonna laugh at this. I needed to be more patient…

Yea righttttt

“Can we meet this week?”

“No I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just can’t.”

“Tell me why?”

“I should stay indoor.”

“Why not go out?”

“It’s holy week.”

“What does it had to do with it?”

“I simply can’t go out. I’m a house girl right now.”

“Oh, then…maybe a week after that?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not this time?”

“I have classes.”

“Oh…well then, maybe we could go out if you’re free.”

“Okay.”

People are numb…or dumb.

Now I know what’s the deal with The Man Who Can’t Be Moved song. I can sense it. Oh damn, what did I do this time?

It pisses me off. But not literally, I just found this thing an absurd one.

And I realized how rude I really am.

 
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Posted by on April 17, 2011 in Doomsday

 

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Of blending in.

“You should blend in.” I told them this. “Why?” They asked.

I turned around, “Why? Because that’s how you can survive…this life, the one you’re living at, it’s full of shit right? Well, maybe you’re happy now, but what about tomorrow? Would you still be happy? Would you still have that smile on your face? No, right? Happiness is not constant. Happiness is bullshit

Those people out there, they were just pretending that they really care for you, that they understand you. But the truth is – no one really cares. Not even your parents. Not even your siblings. Not even your friends, and especially not that someone special. They don’t understand how you feel, and they never will. It kind of sucks, right?

So the only reasonable thing that you can do is to blend in…that’s what you’re doing all your life, right? You’re blending in…and that kinds of suck. How did I know that you are? Think about it, have you ever stopped yourself doing something you really like? What makes you stop it? Because of what other people will think of you? Because they won’t like it? Is that so? Well then, you’re blending in…that’s good. Great, seriously. You’re blending in – in a way that they won’t know what you desire. In a way that they can accept you…

We all live by the expectations of others. We depend our happiness on them because we can’t be happy by ourselves. And that totally sucks…since, WHY? Why can’t we? Why do we need to blend in? Because we’re scared of feeling that loneliness again? We’re scared of being unwanted? Why can’t we be ourselves, just once?

Well, if you’re going to ask me if I was blending in. I’d say, yes I do. I always do. I’m kind of used to it by now…blending in. Kind of sucks too…as in totally sucks.”

Yeaaa righttt

 
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Posted by on February 26, 2011 in Doomsday

 

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Of selfishness.

Deep inside, we have our own desire. Our deepest darkest secret we never tell other people about. We only kept it on ourselves; we even kept it without the knowledge of those we cared the most. We are all selfish in a different way and it depends on whether we should let it control us or we do the other way around.

At some points of our lives, selfishness had tempted us to make the wrong decisions because there’s this nagging terror that never escapes. So we do things to escape ourselves from being shunned out of the society. We do things to please the majority and yet the motive was for our own good.

I have seen quite enough people embrace the temptation of egocentric. I have also seen myself almost devoured at the idea of being selfish. More or less, I stopped fighting and there came a time when I am not strong enough to be able to control it. Instead, it spit back itself onto me and I was trapped there for a second, but then again I thought of much better things rather than concerning myself. Though still, that didn’t erase the idea that my soul was already damaged.

I almost regret it. Making decisions based on my own good and not of other people. I tried to shut people out of my life because I think it was the best for them, not knowing I am actually doing a favor for myself. I made the devil win over times – now who’s acting like Miss Prym – and up until now there were circumstances wherein it tempted me to make the same mistakes again.

But I became too careful deep inside. I have experienced being abandoned and left behind and I overcame the feeling of sadness. You just have to get used to it. Until all was left was a feeling of numbness and insensitivity.

I became used to the fact that it seems as if I can never get what I wanted right now, let alone what I want for the future. There’s always that deep desire, as I said. And that desire always paired up with selfishness because we always want more. Ironically, we always want what we can have. That’s a bitter theory that people always mixed up with reality.

Well then, maybe some people thought, “If we are all selfish, then we are committing a sin. If that’s the case, are we all devils on the earth?”

No but we all are sinners. Jesus already told us that which is the reason why He came here on earth to die on the cross for our sins. We are sinners, but that doesn’t mean we are all devil. The devil was inside us, like selfishness, temptation, great desire…but there’s also a space for goodness. So basically, our soul was divided into two: Evil or Good. It depends on us which one will we control and which one will control us.

 
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Posted by on February 23, 2011 in Doomsday

 

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Protected: Of taking chances.

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Posted by on February 20, 2011 in Doomsday

 

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What a douche-bag.

Here we go again…

Yea yea I feel like I am such a douche-bag. Like I punched someone in the face virtually. Why? Why is it things always ended up like that? Why can’t I be, for once, nice when it came to such things I am talking about?

I mean, it’s my defense mechanism and all. Staying away and shunning people out of my life. Or, staying away from boys and shunning them out of my life once I discovered they had a thing for me. I swear that wasn’t nice. It was rude actually.

But, can I help it?

I can’t. I don’t know how. I am confused. Part of me wants to say, “Sorry!” and part of me wants to stay silent and let it grow out. Let it all disappear. Why can’t this floor I am currently standing now swallow me?

I am so shallow and selfish and yea, a douchebag. I just didn’t realize it sooner. I’m a brat…or a bitch. Or yea, anything you can say on my face because that’s me.

Harsh when it came to serious things like this.

I just didn’t realize how I miss things the way it was before. Crazy me and crazier you. We’re best of friends yet why did it happened?

My head says, “Who cares?” But then my heart says, “You do, stupid…”

I care about the friendship. Oh gosh, I never thought love could ruin friendship…

I never want to fall. YEABOI

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2011 in Doomsday

 

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