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Confessions III

Alas! Here is my last post, the end of my so-called battle between my confused teenage mind and heart. I was such a whiner. I would love to spoil things with you since my “love” or from my term it was just an “aloof infatuation” for this boy did not push through until the end. Even though he was able to read my “Confessions” about him. It makes him even more confident and full of himself that I will actually let him be my first boyfriend during our prom night. I rejected him that night. But later I apologize since I felt really, really bad.

CONFESSIONS III

(FRIENDSHIP BOND)

Hundred-percent sure.

“When the time comes to say goodbye, it helps if you can do it beautifully and wisely.”

The clock ticks really fast. I didn’t even dare to remember what had happened during those months after September, the last month I wrote about this essay. So many months had passed. So many decisions had made. And unfortunately, this essay won’t end in a happily-ever-after. But, I already made my decision. And it’s not part of my choice, its part of my priorities. Some things are better left unsaid, but we need to tell the truth so that some people won’t get hurt. There are some secrets that are meant to be shared, rather than remain forever hidden. Within every ocean there exists an island where we can discover the meaning of our life. And in my situation, I already found mine. Tomorrow is a mystery. But do we really know a great deal more about the past?

It’s great to know that there are certain people who admire you, whom you dazzle by your smile. But, there are certain rules you also need to know. That some of those people whom you admire will not return the appreciation that you give. Life is not always about giving or taking. It’s more on giving and just don’t expect something in return. When we give love, it doesn’t count the cost. Love isn’t always enough. When our needs are not met, it is perhaps time to move on. In my own experience, I didn’t mind loving ‘some one’, because it is part of our life. But what we don’t expect is to find the “true love” within ‘someone’ else’s heart. And we seek for that. For me, I have never been in love with ‘someone’. It’s just an aloof infatuation. And there’s no special between that. I don’t know if he or that person understands that. It’s a very complicated thing, when you appreciate what he did to you, when you almost return what he gave to you. But, most of the thing you spend together is just a friendship bond. You know, it is difficult to explain it when they don’t want to hear you. Me? I already tried to stop this stupid thing that’s happening. Does love exist as a reflection? Perhaps what we see in love, and derive from love, is the commonality within each of our hearts. But what will happen if ‘some one’ thinks of you more than just friends? And only you can return that love for just friends? You know, it’s really hard to make a decision about this. This thing made me confused. But now, I didn’t feel the pleasure that it made me feel at first. Now, I almost felt nothing. I was numb. And therefore, I am ready to refuse anything, even anyone. It’s not part of my plan before, to write an essay about this. To confess those feelings I feel now. But, I think that life wants me to do some emotional things. He wants me to express my feelings through writing. And it made me feel really better. It’s like something you must be done everyday, to express those feelings through words. Leaving someone is rarely easy. But sometimes it is good. And I think it seems the best way I can do now. Sometimes, priorities in life are more important than anything else. And in my case, those priorities became my “number one”, to follow my dreams.

Managing change in your life is rarely easy. But your life will be defined not just by the change, but also by how you deal with it. Having ‘some one’ is not part of my plan before, as I said. But I think that it’s just a friendship bond between us. I will just call him ‘some one’ because he is the lead of the essay. But what do I feel about him anyway? Honestly, I felt nothing. I was just carried away by those love stories that I read. When love becomes a mistake, where do we place the blame? I will be glad if ‘you’ will blame me in this, because it will make my conscience less guilty. Always, we look everywhere for the special one. But sometimes, we need not look quite so far. This isn’t yet a good time to explain things like this, because I’m not expert. I will just say what I wanted to say about the world of LOVE. Oh. I miss saying that part. All people value appreciation. But we want to be appreciated for who we are, and not just because we look good. I must say, THANK YOU, for those who appreciate me. Poets always seek for new and beautiful ways to say those two special words. Some get downright clever about it. I am glad I made such experience like this. Even if it’s not close to what some people may have experience. But it’s a good thing that we can say something when someone asks us about love. In life, there are many unexpected things which are happening. I already made my conclusion, that I must follow my dreams.

If we will just reminisce those times when I am in a state of confusion, you can say that I must be very lucky that I survive. Life has good and bad but in the end we determine our own course. And I already made my own course. Alone, I am sailing in my own boat. Maybe in my journey in life, I will meet that ‘special some one’ who will be my future. You must not seek love, because love seeks in you. Let’s not be too risky to deal with those certain situations, let’s all be careful in our own decisions. And I must say that for the person who became the lead in my confession, I say sorry for your rejection. What a lovely rhythmic words that I made. This will be the end of my confessions. And maybe, in the meantime, I will continue to write on this. I just hope that those who truly believe in my foolishness will learn some important things about this. For those who believe that this thing does not exist, or daresay, fiction? Well, I already admitted that it was a half-meant. So don’t blame me. Memories, binding us to a past we long to forget, can be difficult to escape. But life is a constant journey, maybe I can heal all the flaws that I made. But it will always leave a scar. And that scar will remain forever.

“It’s easy to regret the things you’ve done. It’s even easier, and all too human, to regret those things left undone.”

There are few ways to learn more about your own inner workings than to define yourself poetically.

We can remain unaware of even the most beautiful setting if that’s not the thing we seek.

PS: For my friends who still teasing me with ‘confessions’ (ugh), just please stop that? It really annoys me.

DATE: January 26, 2009 at 8:45pm.

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2016 in Confessions, Uncategorized

 

Confessions II

Here is the second part of my “Confessions”, I was laughing because I used jargon words through ‘synonyms’ from MS Word. I can still remember the night when I wrote this. Words such as “laborious” , “rapturous”, “rebuff”, “jovial” and so on makes me cringe. I never thought I was a copy cat. Hahaha! 🙂

CONFESSIONS II

(FRIENDSHIP BONDS)

Half-decision made.

“A teeter-totter works only when the weight is evenly distributed. It’s a bit like love in that way.”

Some of us do not have the ability to display emotions as easily as others. But does that make the feelings any less real? The world still didn’t stop on mystifying me about what answer I will respond to him. It was a kind of a bit rapturous feeling but there are always qualms that rebuff on my emotions. It was a laborious situation that even Einstein can’t release on its powerful enchantment. It was more than the computations in Physics and more complicated than the problems in Mathematics. That’s the intense emotion that I am possibly felt right now, I still don’t know whether it’s this so called “puppy love” or “studies”. Let’s us review first what happened to me this day, wow I can’t imagine that I am writing an essay with a diary combined on it…

It was a beautiful Monday for me when I am in school, awarding for the outstanding officers happened during flag ceremony, a big crap of jovial fun occurred in recess and lunch break, my “best friend” and I almost roam the school because we’re looking for some administrator staffs to fill up my application form in DLSU, but unfortunately I didn’t even accomplished even one of the recommendation form that must be fill up. My “best friend” knew the thing about my first made essay because I told her so, so she asked me to lend it to her and have a read. I give it to her wholeheartedly without any hesitation because I was confident that she wouldn’t let any one to read it and will keep it as a secret. But in a fateful situation, it happened that she let someone to get it from her, and unluckily, that ‘someone’ is him. I just realize it when he go in front of our classroom and direct it towards in my direction; I just noticed that it was my work “Confessions” because I recognize the fonts and the style of printing. I was stunned when it happened and changed my direction towards my classmate and chat with them, pretending that nothing really happened. During the subject after break, I was still thinking about it and about the one I trust to handle-it-w/-care, I feel very infuriated to her because of what she did. I don’t know if I forgive and forget about what happened. Pity on her! It became a dreadful afternoon after the dismissal. A feel of a bit embarrassment was lately realized and I was very ashamed to look and talk to him. It feels like the world betrayed me…

Love comes in so many different levels, that it doesn’t appear to be the same emotion at all, but it is. There is so much to love, that it will be hard to put into this simple essay. It can tear people apart and make us do irrational things to bringing together entire nations. What can this emotion not do? It’s hard to tell, but there is a lot it can. There are many things that cease to have meaning when Love enters the door. Time may well be one of them. Just like in putting the situation on me, you will really take time to think of the answer. But, I have an idea of what probable answer I can respond. I used my mind more than what I feel on this response. It’s a 75% of rejection and 25% of sanction. This answer is not yet visualized well and not yet the conclusion. Now I know that I must use my mind in every decision I will make, because my mind weighs more than my heart. There’s no word of confusion now, it will only devastate my time in studying. I need to focus now on my study, I need to proved that I can be the greatest. I failed once and I will never ever fail again. Even in smitten situations that will came into my life; I need to prioritize first my study. Love is often buffeted about by the winds of life. But finding our true course is simply a matter of changing direction. I am too young to be committed in the world of LOVE. Sometimes, confusion attacks our mind but we need to tussle on it. Thinking that love from ‘someone’ does not exist, either way I can’t help it. =)

Maturity isn’t always measured by age. And sometimes, two people of the same age may feel very different things.

“There are instances in life when Love is circumscribed within the boundaries of a single moment – any yet, lives forever.”

PS: Anything above is only FICTION, but it can possibly happen in reality.

DATE: September 8, 2008 at 6:45pm

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2016 in Confessions, Uncategorized

 

Confessions I

Excerpt from today, August 18, 2016:

Honestly, I am not a good writer. When I was a teen, I wished I can write eloquently and articulate. But I guess I found at loss for words whenever I need to pour out my emotions. Writing, for me, has a way of making rainy days into brighter sun rays and it helps me realize what I’ve been missing out on life. Writing makes me idealistic and full of hopes and expectations. When I write, it was as if I am a part of the world I wanted to live in.

Here is something I wanted to share to everyone, what I wrote about six years ago when I was still a teen (14 or 15 years old perhaps) who has an idea about love and who was afraid to take chances, until the end.  

A Confession is an essay based on a point of view of a girl who experienced some confused moments, which eventually realizes that in the end, she was wrong about love confessions.

 CONFESSIONS I

(FRIENDSHIP BOND)

Confused about what Love is.

Life, we know, is full of choices. And so, too, is Love. Love cannot be easily controlled and, sadly, neither can great distances.”

As we grow older, we have enough experiences about love. We first feel the love from God, love from the family, love from the friends, relatives, classmates, pets, and so and so forth. Love goes really around the world as it attacks the center of our body which gives us life, our heart.As a teen-ager, did you experience how to love and be loved in return? Not only from your family, friends, relatives, classmates, pets, etc, but a love from ‘someone’ whom you loved more than just friends. It is a bit complicated if you feel the presence of falling in love for that ‘someone’ and your very confused if you will deal with it or just throw out. Maybe you’re thinking that I am writing this because I’m in love or what? But unfortunately, not really in love, but I am now in a state of falling in love with my ‘someone’ and in my situation it’s really hard to make choices between this so called “puppy love” or “studies”. As an honor student, I am responsible to maintain my grades because I was influenced to study harder by my co-top ten in our batch and I am committed to my promise that I will be one of the “cream of the crop” this school year. And my parents are also expecting me to be one. Also, as a head of the committee, I have an obligation to do my part well and to serve the school campus. That’s why there is no time for other stuff to enter in my life, but in an incident, ‘someone’ touched my life…

I am not expecting this thing to happen, before it’s a kind of weird thing for me because I have no idea about love. But now, I became more aware of it deeper and deeper. It was not part of my plan before, to fall for someone, to love someone, to enter in a relationship, to have BF, or anything that’s out-of-my-mind but inside-my-heart. Neither heart nor my mind helps me to decide. It was ‘his’ fault because he’s making me so confound, it was him who did all these things that’s happening to me. Pardon him. I did not ask him to like me, and I did not even expect a little. Yeah, I admit that I have a crush on him before, maybe a year ago. But now, I am not sure of my feelings. It was my fault that I change my outlooks, yeah many told me that ‘I’ve changed’ into wonderful lady, but its part of growing up. STILL CONFUSED. WAKE UP! I have no idea if I will answer him my “I do” or I will just ignore him as if nothing happened between us. I am not so excited to enter in a relationship that I know will be the source of a big trouble in my personal life. It’s also my fault to let anyone enter into my emotional life; I am very depressed to answer him. Because I still don’t have the answer. Is it YES or NO? Will I reject him or not? Love is full of confusions; it baffles my mind really hard. I feel like I was a child who needs to choose between a lollipop or a candy, both are very yummy. I want to talk to him, he texted me last night that he wants to talk to me. But I think I refuse because I avoid him when we’re in the school. I think I like him but there’s always rejection in my mind, it’s like a war raging inside of me. Can there ever be a winner? When we love, we risk being hurt. But maybe the worst pain comes from simply being ignored. HUH? Oh I don’t want to be the reason why someone got hurt, I want to be the reason why they are happy, I don’t want to reject anyone and fill my mind with many doubts. I need to have my final decision, now, because if I still think of it for a long time, my mind will be filled with confusions and I can’t focus on my study well. Can someone help me? YOU! You know who you are, what answer would you like me to say? My heart beats faster as my mind refuses. =(

“One of the most difficult aspects of young love is wondering how your feelings for each other will be accepted by our peers. Friendship and Love are two powerful emotions. “

Love is often just another word for confusion.

PS: I can’t imagine I can write a long essay like this. Am I inspired or what? I told you this was only FICTION.

DATE: September 4, 2008 at 10:00pm

 

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2016 in Confessions, Uncategorized

 

Afterall, what is my purpose?

10 months had passed since the last time I made a post in here. And in the span of 10 months, so many things had changed, so many things happened. There were a mixture of good and bad things. But mostly, it consist of the time I spent with my boyfriend. Yes, I have a boyfriend now. My first real boyfriend. My first real love. My first in everything. We’ve been six months together (since September 8, 2013) and those moments composed of precious memories. I’ve got to know this person more, and I’ve got to fall for him more. I never get tired of loving him, never get tired of talking to him. We’ve been like this for almost a year now, even before we became official.

What I would like to say is that, it is possible for us to find real love in this complicated world. I have my own issues before (or should I say, personal issues) and I felt depressed during the past few years in my life. Mostly consisting of self-inflicted pain. But then he came, and changed my views in life. I’ve always tried to please others, conscious about what they think of me, and then he came, telling me along the way that I should not bother what others think of me, because by doing so, I am only depriving myself of my own happiness. My happiness is more important than theirs, so why not do things that makes me feel happy?

Well currently in my relationship, I am happy. However in my career, I am not. Although I passed the board examinations, became a licensed professional in my field, I felt as if it is not my call. I felt as if I am doing this because others expect me to, or because this is the flow for everyone in the same field as I am. Why did I ever took up my course in the first place? Because others see it as having a real good future, but does it consist of being stressed in your work? Overwork can kill us. Stressful environment can create mental anguish and physical distress. I think I am not prepared for this. I am being underpaid on my efforts and it feels like I am not interested in my field of work. I do not have that driving force to work hard and be better in my career. I feel like I am losing my purpose, or not doing good enough to keep up my accomplishments in life. Afterall, where is my self-fulfillment?

I feel so lost now.

 

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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The Naked Truth

This is my little experiment. It’s been more than a month since I always talked to this guy almost every day/night. So, my little test is not to talk to him tonight. Let’s see whether or not he’ll miss me, and admit it to me. Depending on whether or not I will miss him as well (and admit it to myself)

Mehehehehe. This is my strategy >:) my test of faith… or not.

I’m kind of being a little weird tonight. Ugh.

 
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Posted by on May 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Occupied

I was a bit preoccupied these past few days to think of depressing thoughts.

So again, I am a bit happy with my life right now. What I am looking for is focus and preparation for my review, 18 days from now 😦

Wish me luck and I hope it’s in God’s grace for me to pass the board examinations 🙂

 
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Posted by on May 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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No Pressure

The guy on the radio confessed his feelings for her.

Yea. He likes her. Not so sure if it’s a lot though. But still, he likes her 70% personality and 30% appearance. That’s how he said it.

There it is. Oh boy, that guy on the radio totally likes her. Now, she’s under pressure. She still wants to be friends. She wants to take things slowly. Well, just go with the flow shall we?

It may not seem to be as deep as the ones before him, but he’s a good catch, right? He’s really a good guy. Don’t mess with this one.

No pressure.

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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