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The fear of the unknown

I haven’t let go of that “fear”. The fear of being hurt, rejected, painfully ignored, or being vulnerable. It’s been in my nature, my blood. I never accepted myself, my reality, my soul. There’s always a nagging feeling at the back of my mind, reminding me that, “Hey, it’s not yours. It will never be. You won’t ever get what you really want. Someday, somebody else will take it.” So I listen to this, and took a step backwards. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for whatever I do. When I expect, it always turn out to disappoint me sooner or later. That’s why I do the same for other people. I disappoint them to. I know I am a talkshit. And some of my promises were never kept. I want to change, for the better. I seriously need to go out and explore more. Not stay where I am right now. You know the feeling when all you wanted was to feel appreciated for everything, but then you were entirely ignored? Yea, it sucks. I always have a paranoia that everyone is like that to me. Which is why maybe, I had the tendency to become hostile towards other people. But then, sooner, I’ll warm up to them. And when I realized that my feelings are not being reciprocated, then suddenly I’ll be cold to them again. It’s hard to change, although you know your faults and weaknesses. It’s just so pretty damn hard to go out of that shell. When you build a wall around your heart, there’s a tendency when the wall becomes thick and it’s going to be too tough to break. Then someone, unexpectedly, will come and crumble that wall until it breaks. Until your heart is wide open to the world, exposed and entirely vulnerable.

If only I could be pretty damn confident about myself that I can do this. That I can give my heart out to someone. But my paranoia always gets in my way. I never trust anyone, not even my family, to protect my heart from getting hurt. I never like this way of thinking. I know I am missing out on great chances in life. And I am letting it happen. This is the fear of the unknown. You know you haven’t lived your life until you experiences things that will make or break you.

Pft. What’s happening to me?

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Posted by on April 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Let’s take it slow

It’s been almost two weeks since my graduation. But it felt like it only happened yesterday. Here I am, wondering about the whereabouts of my friends. Thinking what they are doing at this moment. And missing them of course. Actually, it’s the birthday of one of my closest friend. Supposedly, we would surprise her today. But it turns out I wouldn’t be there. My family had plans for today, and I should be a part of it. My mum won’t let me out, although I know I can still push it. But my body is too lazy to even go to their house which is more than an hour away. And I don’t have a car. And I feel guilty to ask for money.  I know it’s a bit selfish not to sacrifice my time and my laziness for her. But this is me, okay? I am always unreliable, and talkshit. I push people out of my life. I try not to get too attached to anyone because I am scared of being vulnerable. So I kept everything to myself. It is a selfish act, I know. But that’s my choice. I wished her a happy birthday though. That’s all I could do. I am not sweet. And they know it. My circle of friends know it. We never do something sweet for one another. And maybe that’s what I like about them. I won’t ever expect something from them. And I am happy for it. Because expectations could only lead to disappointment. And I don’t wanna be disappointed. I am just too tired to be.

However, there is this one guy I talk to almost everyday. He seems very nice, and I only notice him like now. He’s like, every other girls’ friend. And I am guessing, he’s a really good guy. Even a “dorky one” as his one buddy so fondly calls him. But he makes a lot of sense to me. I feel like I don’t need to pretend when I am talking to him. Seriously, I thought I’d only like bad boys or bad-boy looking guys. But this is an unexpected turning point for me. Although I know he likes one of our common friends, but I am not so sure about that anymore. It’s like, yes, I wanted to be one of his close friends as well. I guess there’s just this aura about him that makes us girls drawn into him, as a friend. Not as someone you would drool over about. But looking through the archives of our conversation, I laugh however silly the jokes are. And he’s a real gentleman and very understanding. He’s this guy who won’t make you feel alone. And I think, if chances would have it, I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone who would appreciate his efforts. And I applaud him for his kindness. Although I am a girl, he still listens to my rant. I even doubted his sexuality (lol) and told him so about it. Yet, he refuse. Well, there’s something about him that attracts me. I am not so sure. He’s easy to talk to. And he’s not that “into” me. So I guess that’s what this is all about. We go after those who doesn’t really like us. It makes perfectly sense to me.

But let’s take this slow, shall we? After all, I’m about to see him with some of my friends. I hope I’ll have a good time. And I am also hoping to get closer to him. Naks!

 
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Posted by on April 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Blame me, fine!

It’s frustrating to feel so alone despite of all those people around you. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But I couldn’t help it. If you’re alone, there are just a lot of things going on inside your head. Some thoughts could make you feel paranoid about life. And it’s not healthy for the soul.

Yesterday was a blast! I had fun getting my diploma although it’s tiring. The day we’ve all been waiting for is finally over, and we’re all officially not college students anymore. But then these are just a passing moment. Our goal was achieved. Which comes to question, what’s next? I’m always the person who’s pretty hard to be satisfied. I want to be busy than bummed. I feel so useless when I’m bummed. And now I’m officially bummed. I’ve got two months before the review starts and I’ve got no idea how to kill time. I don’t like waiting. I feel like all my knowledge  I’ve learned in school for four years will vanish if I won’t keep my  mind working. I needed a company. I needed someone to connect myself to, emotionally. Being single for 19 years has it’s drawbacks. I wonder how it took me this time to realize what a I’ve been missing out on life. Yes, I am happy I finally got my diploma. I am happy I didn’t disappoint my parents. I am happy that everyone is happy for me. But then, it’s like I don’t achieve what I want to achieve. I don’t like questioning myself what’s so wrong about me. I don’t like being this so paranoid about the future. I am afraid I might regret the chances I didn’t take and afraid of making bad decisions. But bad decisions makes us stronger, right? I always thought I am strong enough for controlling my feelings when it gets vulnerable. Yet I was wrong. I am the weak one. I am the stupid one for doing so. I didn’t figure things out if it will work first. And now, everybody’s turned their backs on me. Perhaps I missed my chance with a person I really liked before. And I’m having a hard time liking someone now. Although there were few people who blatantly flirts with me, but it’s only temporary. No one has ever stayed for more than a semester. Everybody gets bored in me and left me. Yes, I am whining here. I am being again the drama queen. I hate being the drama queen. I hate ranting. I don’t like it. It feels so selfish. Like I only cared about my feelings. I should care more about those who cares about me, right? LOL who am I kidding? 

So, I should probably end this. I missed out the pre-encounter I’d want myself to be in in the first place. I like to go to places. I like to meet new and different people. I just don’t want to be a bystander watching everyone had fun in their lives. I am tired of this. Yes, blame me for being this dramatic. But sometimes, I can’t help it. 

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Enough is enough? LOL

So last night I’m a bit melodramatic. It’s funny how I’m looking through some old blogs from those people whom I didn’t really know =))) But anyways, our lunch date together turns out to be okay. Although I am not sure if there’s going to be a next time. At least it’s not as awkward as I thought it would have been. I just hope I was able to do that during my first date 2 years ago. He’s much more interested in me than you are. But I pushed him away. Ugh, if given a chance… would it still matter?

Haha. Silly thoughts of mine. Seriously, I realized I am not the only one who’s thinking these thoughts =))) There are other girls out there, doing the same thing. It’s kinda comforting knowing I am not the only one having these dramas in life LOL

Graduation is coming!!! I am not sure if I’ll be excited for that =))

 
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Posted by on March 21, 2013 in Gobbledygook

 

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I am 19 now, so what?

What’s the difference of being 19 from being 16 years old? A few years? A few moments? Or a whole new self?

It’s been almost a year since I post something in here. Visiting this blog site was not my intention, it was an accident. I suddenly thought of looking back through my old posts and see what happened way back years ago.

I could say I grew up.

From what actually? From being an avid blogger, from being too insensitive, too narrow-minded and shallow. I could say I will like the new “me” now and it was worth having all those experiences that I had before.

I try to appreciate the smallest things that I failed to notice before. I try to think positively and see things in a new perspective. I try to accept people as they are and be nice to most of them. I try to stay humble and keep my guard up when I sense a trouble coming. I try to be way more patient to find the right guy for me and not regret it.

When I say “try”, it means I am doing it but not perfectly. I try to be the better version of myself. A version I would love. A person I would want to meet and spend some of my time.

I realize that we only have a few years to live and I should live my life on my own terms. I should try to make every day a happy memory so when I look back, I would smile from my own silly stories. And I am doing it now.

Tonight is one of those comfortable nights wherein I see the world on a brighter side. I am just so lucky to be living in a life free of any problems. So tonight, I am just happy. And next week will become a tougher week for me. It’s midterms already!

On a brighter note, 3 more months and I’m off to go! I’ll be graduating this March 23, 2013. See? It’s like four years of my life in college has been blissful. I am excited but kind of afraid to be out on the real world. I still want to enjoy my life as a student 😦 But I should focus my time on studying because that is what I must do. Can you believe it? I actually survive accounting for almost four years!

I should do better na. And I should end this. Byers!

PS: My eyes are a bit blurred. I might need a real glasses now. Hmp! I will lessen using this netbook 🙂

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2013 in Confessions

 

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Waiting.

What’s happening?

Twitter asked me that a hundred times. Yet honestly, I do not have any idea. Sometimes, I feel like I am expecting too much from myself. I was trying to be someone else, rather than be myself. And what’s absurd is that I actually didn’t know myself.

I am waiting for someone who would frankly told me “What’s happening?” And then hug me tight like I am the most precious girl in the world. I just wanted to be appreciated for who I am, not for what people expect me to be.

Sometimes, when I’m alone…I realized I am not that blissful in my life. Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why can’t I be strong? Why can’t I be happy and contented for a long time?

I am so futuristic. I think first of what might happen, before I took chances. Or should I say, I never take chances. I always lose in the game. I always fall for the wrong ones. I failed to see the people who cared about me.

I…wanted to be perfect. But I guess, trying to be perfect is the most impossible thing in the world. And I should stop.

I wish I could be myself. I wish I could find me.

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2011 in Confessions

 

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Where am I again?

It was dark and I was lost, searching and running through the tunnel. There, I saw some light…But ooops, something blocked my way. Dark began to eat the remaining flicker of light. I cannot see.

Where was I again? I did notice the fact that a friend of mine likes me. I was not that blind, it’s just that…I was unsure of what to feel. Would you take a risk if you’re unsure of your feelings?

Would you let the friendship gone into the next level?

Of course not, right?

Although some people say the best relationship came from friendship. I didn’t know these some people. And, I wasn’t really sure. As in, how many times should I tell you this?

If this thing really bothered me, maybe it’s a big deal, or not, or whatever, or WTF was wrong with me?

Okay so stop. Chill.

School starts tomorrow and I must pack my things and well, see if something happened. I hadn’t seen a lot of effort so maybe, it wasn’t as serious as they said it.

School Year 2011-2012, please be kind and fun.

Btw, I suck at writing. Haha!

 
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Posted by on June 11, 2011 in Doomsday

 

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