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Afterall, what is my purpose?

10 months had passed since the last time I made a post in here. And in the span of 10 months, so many things had changed, so many things happened. There were a mixture of good and bad things. But mostly, it consist of the time I spent with my boyfriend. Yes, I have a boyfriend now. My first real boyfriend. My first real love. My first in everything. We’ve been six months together (since September 8, 2013) and those moments composed of precious memories. I’ve got to know this person more, and I’ve got to fall for him more. I never get tired of loving him, never get tired of talking to him. We’ve been like this for almost a year now, even before we became official.

What I would like to say is that, it is possible for us to find real love in this complicated world. I have my own issues before (or should I say, personal issues) and I felt depressed during the past few years in my life. Mostly consisting of self-inflicted pain. But then he came, and changed my views in life. I’ve always tried to please others, conscious about what they think of me, and then he came, telling me along the way that I should not bother what others think of me, because by doing so, I am only depriving myself of my own happiness. My happiness is more important than theirs, so why not do things that makes me feel happy?

Well currently in my relationship, I am happy. However in my career, I am not. Although I passed the board examinations, became a licensed professional in my field, I felt as if it is not my call. I felt as if I am doing this because others expect me to, or because this is the flow for everyone in the same field as I am. Why did I ever took up my course in the first place? Because others see it as having a real good future, but does it consist of being stressed in your work? Overwork can kill us. Stressful environment can create mental anguish and physical distress. I think I am not prepared for this. I am being underpaid on my efforts and it feels like I am not interested in my field of work. I do not have that driving force to work hard and be better in my career. I feel like I am losing my purpose, or not doing good enough to keep up my accomplishments in life. Afterall, where is my self-fulfillment?

I feel so lost now.

 

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Posted by on March 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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What’s up, doc?

Is there’s something wrong with me? Or is my heart made up of steel?

Why does loving someone seems so hard? I’ve never been in love before, but I want to try. It’s just that maybe, I was really scared to fall for the wrong guy.

Is it too much to wish? It’s the fear of the unknown that makes me stay away from it.

Doc, is something wrong with my heart? 🙂

Yay. I should create a song out of this. Really funny.

“Don’t make me laugh.” As Vector/Victor says.

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2011 in Gobbledygook

 

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You like her better.

Summary: A girl has a crush on a boy who likes someone else. One day, he confessed his feelings to her. Is she going to believe? Or will she forget that everything’s happened?

At the quadrangle, a girl and a boy sat beside each other. Watching as other students played games; she sighed and suddenly turned to face him. She doesn’t expect this kind of revelation she got.

“You like me, huh?” She said, flicking her eyes to his side. He shrugged but tell no more.

“Why are you telling this to me right now?” She resumed her gazed on her classmates playing that volleyball game.

“Because.” Here goes again, she thought.

“Because she rejected you? And you are jumping into conclusion that I won’t?” She said flatly.

He suddenly looked at her side and said, “No! Of course not!”

“Then why?” She leveled her gaze to his eyes.

“Because I can sense there is something more about…our relationship.”

“What relationship? We never had any relationship. We are only friends. Friends, John. No more.”

“But you don’t feel that way about me.”

“What do I feel about you if not merely platonic then?”

“More than friends.”

“How are you so certain about that? Don’t get your hopes up. Your head is getting bigger.”

“I am not certain. I can only sense it.”

“Well, you better need to take a good look at your senses then.” She stood up and ready to walk away.

“Well then, what about those words I read at the back of your notebook?” He called out. That made her stopped in her tracks, she turn around and faced him.

“It’s my stupidity before John. I am careless of writing it. It’s only my subconscious mind.”

“So it means you like me.”

“Maybe I did. Maybe I liked you.”

“And you still like me right now.”

“I don’t. I hate your guts, your personality. You are the selfish person I’d ever met.”

“That hurts a little here.”

“Because it’s true. After all those months of waiting for you to finally notice me, I got tired of it. I got tired of making myself look stupid.”

“I didn’t see your effort.”

“Because you never did appreciate it. I always do things for you. Do your favors. And then what? Suddenly our communication just stopped.”

“You told me you don’t want me to be your classmate.”

“It was my defense mechanism to deny things I’d really like to happen in reality.”

“Well then, I took that one seriously.”

“But you aren’t serious when you told me you are going to wait for me until 18. James was merely pushing you to me since he knows I liked you from the start. And you dammed well know it too.”

“You were the one who was not responsive when I told you that.”

“Because you are joking.”

“How are you certain I am?”

“You think I am only a second option. Once the first one rejected you, you will go to the second. And now that she did, suddenly you came here to say if you can court me. What am I supposed to do? Believe you?”

“Yes.”

“Funny, John. But I am not a naïve anymore. You like her so much that you can’t even look at other girls because whenever you did, you were comparing them to her.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is partly true. You only told me before that you liked me and you were confused because somehow, you remind me about her. Her innocence. Her not having a boyfriend yet.”

“And now who’s jumping to conclusion?”

“See? You are trying to deny it. John, you really don’t like me. If you did, you have courted me before no matter what. I know you sensed that I liked you so much. And it’s in your hands what to do next. Now that you can see me not as little girl anymore, you suddenly go after me.”

“I do like you now.”

“But you like her better.”

“Yes I do.”

“Then let’s stop this stupid conversation.”

PS: I don’t own the names.

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2010 in Scrollpress

 

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