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Afterall, what is my purpose?

10 months had passed since the last time I made a post in here. And in the span of 10 months, so many things had changed, so many things happened. There were a mixture of good and bad things. But mostly, it consist of the time I spent with my boyfriend. Yes, I have a boyfriend now. My first real boyfriend. My first real love. My first in everything. We’ve been six months together (since September 8, 2013) and those moments composed of precious memories. I’ve got to know this person more, and I’ve got to fall for him more. I never get tired of loving him, never get tired of talking to him. We’ve been like this for almost a year now, even before we became official.

What I would like to say is that, it is possible for us to find real love in this complicated world. I have my own issues before (or should I say, personal issues) and I felt depressed during the past few years in my life. Mostly consisting of self-inflicted pain. But then he came, and changed my views in life. I’ve always tried to please others, conscious about what they think of me, and then he came, telling me along the way that I should not bother what others think of me, because by doing so, I am only depriving myself of my own happiness. My happiness is more important than theirs, so why not do things that makes me feel happy?

Well currently in my relationship, I am happy. However in my career, I am not. Although I passed the board examinations, became a licensed professional in my field, I felt as if it is not my call. I felt as if I am doing this because others expect me to, or because this is the flow for everyone in the same field as I am. Why did I ever took up my course in the first place? Because others see it as having a real good future, but does it consist of being stressed in your work? Overwork can kill us. Stressful environment can create mental anguish and physical distress. I think I am not prepared for this. I am being underpaid on my efforts and it feels like I am not interested in my field of work. I do not have that driving force to work hard and be better in my career. I feel like I am losing my purpose, or not doing good enough to keep up my accomplishments in life. Afterall, where is my self-fulfillment?

I feel so lost now.

 

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Posted by on March 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Give me a reason

I’m not broken…just bent.

And bored as well. 

Reading my post last Friday, I realized I was way too harsh to say “fuck/fucking” a lot of times. I know I should be thankful that even though I was having a very bad morning, still I am able to go out and have fun for 4 days and 3 nights.

What happened in between was very wonderful indeed. I enjoyed every single moment I am with my friends. Although there were awkward moments because I know what most of them were thinking when my guy friend and I watched a movie together, I did not let this thought ruin my mood for the whole trip. It was a blast. It was far by the most amazing summer I had. I got to know these people more, and I realized how great they really are. Our skin may be tanned and we may have sunburns, but it only shows that we had so much fun doing the craziest things in an isolated island. There may be a lot of glitches in our plans, but we did not let it ruin the fun of just enjoying what we have and over looking all the imperfections in our trip.

I won’t enumerate everything because I am not good at writing these things. You know, I only write about myself, and all my selfishness (ehem) but I swear I’ll try to write more about my adventures and write less on my frustrations in life.

So this is my reason. I may be bent, but it can be fixed right?

 
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Posted by on April 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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You’re contagious

Fuck you. And your own little world.

You’re not my brother. Brothers are supposed to protect their little sisters. You’re the jerkest, meanest, laziest, number one asshole person I’ve ever met in my entire life. It’s because of you, that somehow my views on guys became distorted. It’s because of you, that I don’t trust any guys I’ve known. It’s because of your influence on me when I was still growing up.

Fuck you. Because that’s how your life is.

There is no single time when I remember that you stood up for me, or for us in that matter. There’s no time you ever became that “big brother” every girl would wish for. No, because you have your own issues. And you let your issues eat you alive. You’ve wasted your time, probably your whole life being a pain-in-the-ass. I know you’ve got personal issues. But come on, your self-esteem issues are petty compared to those who would wish they have a life like yours. Be thankful that our parents never get tired of you. And oh please, be ashamed for your behavior. You’ve been like this as far as I could not even remember how you became such one. I grew up believing that you’re just another human being in the house. That I am so not related to you. And that, I am proud to say, you are not really my brother.

Yes not-my-brother. Who are you anyways? I won’t waste my time waiting for you to change because change begins with yourself. It’s your personal choice. And not everyone will understand you for your behavior. It would have been more understandable if you have mental illness. But no, you have psychological disorder. And that sucks, you sucked.

So fuck you again. You need to attend an anger management or self-esteem seminar. You need to fix yourself because time will come when you’ll realize that no one would bother to help you, ’cause you never really help anyone in your entire life.

Aren’t you disgusted about your life?

Hmp. Your resentment towards the world is contagious. This is the reason I am saying all of these things. Your reasons are petty. You are so shallow. And yea, I don’t want to see you, ever again.

So fuck off. Just pretend that you don’t exist in my life and I don’t exist yours. It’s better this way. My life is better without you in the picture.

 
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Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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That girl on the radio

That guy on the radio. His voice ringing through my ears every time I put the volume up. I’ve seen him countless times on the hallways of our school but I never really got the chance to know him before like I do now. I called once on station 121. He picked up my call and we talked. Since then, he noticed me as well.

That guy on the radio. We keep on talking every night. Our conversation goes about anything under the sun. My body clock has changed because of him. I am not used to sleeping late, but it seems as if late does not apply in here. I am starting to think I sleep early – early in the morning.

That guy on the radio. He calls me different names. I guess that’s just his way of showing affection or I am not so sure. But I like it. I like the way he calls me names. And it made me smile.

That guy on the radio. He basically almost know the story of my life as of this moment. After all, I am the only avid listener of station 121. I am his only fan, or so I would like to think that. I am the only one who’s wide awake at 3 am in the morning, listening to him while he’s doing the same favor to me.

That guy on the radio. I wonder if we meet, would it be awkward? Or would it be comfortable, just like how we talked right now? Our virtual conversation got deeper until I told him almost all of my little secrets. I guess that’s how our relationship works. Or that’s how I work in a relationship. I am so good at being virtual, but once personally expressed, it’s just so damn hard to become faced to faced with a jock. A disc jock. A guy on the radio, if you get what I mean.

That guy on the radio. We decided to meet. To spend some time together. The ordinary girl, which is obviously me, is going to go out with a guy on the radio. How awesome is that?

That guy on the radio. Whoever he is, don’t let himself be flattered about this. After all, what do guys on the radio really know about? They only know how to listen. But they never really know the story behind. They never really know who’s….wait a minute. He is not a guy on the radio. Guys on radios don’t listen. They rant and brag about things. But the listener, is actually the one at the receiving end.

I realized, I am that guy on the radio.

The girl on the radio.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2013 in Scrollpress

 

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Exposed to the world

That awkward moment when someone you personally know found out about your blog site.

This is just so…awkward for me. I am not so sure if he’s going to read this, but if you are doing that right now, I expect you to be true to your promise. Well, I made some posts about you and that’s just going to be a lot more awkward if you’re going to read it. And knowing that you actually discover this site makes me want to hide myself because this is just so personal for me. This is my outlet. My confidante. My best friend. My partner. The other side of me. It’s as if you hopped into my world and live on it. Being exposed like this feels so vulnerable. Like my words would be against me.

I am not so sure if I look like a person who keeps a diary but if that’s the impression I have for other people, then so be it. Read it. Read it and well, you’ll know my thoughts. You’ll know how pathetically do I sound. You may understand some of my point. You may disagree with me on it. But this is my world. My only world where I know my thoughts would be safe and sound. The anonymity I have in here gives me so much freedom. Freedom to say whatever I like to say. Freedom to think without others judging me for it. Freedom to vent out all my frustrations in life. And although there are no real answers here, just knowing that my thoughts and emotions are out, is a great feeling. Being exposed to the world feels so damn good. And I don’t want you stealing that away from me.

But I trust you okay? I trust you won’t read this. And well, thanks for that anyways.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Srsly, I made it happen.

Do you remember the one friend I talked to you about? That nice guy? He’s finally getting all warmed up on me. Well, I’m not so sure. But I think he’s kinda getting attached talking to me. Um, that’s how I felt for the first few weeks. Remember the post I wrote about me missing him? Suddenly, it seems as if the tables had been turned. I know right? 

I am not so sure “Waddup” (say it like Barney Stinson did) is going on but I’m pretty sure we surpass that awkward barrier of getting to know each other via virtual conversation. I hope our summer getaway a week from now would turn out just…. great!

 
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Posted by on April 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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My sweet escape

Music is my only escape from all the troubles around me. Music is my medicine, my solution to mute out all those who are talking too much or loudly. Music has been my best friend. With music, I can listen to whatever I want and pretend like everything’s okay. Like my life is pitch perfect.

Words has also been my company. With words, I can vent out all my frustrations in life, my dreams, those things I couldn’t say to those people around me. It has been my source of strength and inspiration, my confidante. All my life, words has been there for me. It never leaves my side. When all else fails, music and words don’t.

That’s why today, I am listening as loudly as I can to music because there are just some people who won’t shut up.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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